


Hard Love

by Bleakmidwintr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Captive, F/M, Kidnapping, Relationship Issues, Smut, Violence, extreme violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:02:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21588817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleakmidwintr/pseuds/Bleakmidwintr
Summary: Reader has telepathy and telekinesis which she uses to help Bucky through his nightmares. In doing this the two of them form a bond that eventually leads to something more. The only problem is Bucky’s mind won’t let him be happy and he pushes her away. Hopefully he realize how much she means to him before it’s to late.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

Y/N had decided long ago that she wanted to live away from headquarters. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be a part of the team; she just wanted her own space.  
Well that was how it started anyways. She had bought a four bedroom house in the suburbs with a huge yard. She adopted a rescued dog, planted some flowers, painted the walls and made the place her own.  
Soon Steve started to come around. First he wanted to try the BBQ, then he liked Y/N’s house better for movie nights because it was quieter, then he would notice repairs that needed to be done and in the process started to take over Y/N’s spare room in the basement. Finally giving in, Y/N invited Steve to move in with her. He took over the basement room and Y/N stayed upstairs. They both got the peace and quiet but they also had someone to watch their backs. It worked well for them. Of course until Steve met Sam. After becoming an Avenger, Sam started to spend more and more time at the house with Steve. Eventually after much pleading and bargaining from both men Y/N relented and let Sam take over one of the spare rooms upstairs. By the time they had found Bucky and brought him home Y/N didn’t even bother putting up a fight when Steve asked to move upstairs and have Bucky stay in the other spare room.

And that is how it came to be that Y/N’s home away from the Avengers facility was now the filled with four Avengers.

Over time, Steve, Sam and Y/N became quite close. Bucky on the other hand stayed mostly to himself. After the first month of seeing Steve tired and worn out from taking care of Bucky when he had his nightmares Y/N decided to stepped in and help. When she told Steve and Bucky that she was going to be taking turns off and on helping Bucky get threw his nightmares, both of them refused. However it was not a question and Steve knew that the only one that could help was her. Y/N had natural abilities that led to her being recruited by The Avengers, these being telekinesis and telepathy. Not only could she calm Bucky from within his mind, but in times of extreme danger she had the ability of putting up a shield to protect herself and those around her. That night when Bucky started to cry out it was Y/N who entered his room. She sat on the edge of his bed, placed her hand on his chest and spoke soothing words to him, telepathically looking into his nightmare. It took her breath away and made her sick. He was on his knees, his arms chained above his head. He was bloody and bruised and he looked exhausted. He was mumbling pleas to make the pain end and it broke Y/N’s heart.

“Bucky” She whispered and rubbed her hand over his chest “You are ok. You are safe. I’ve got you.” Tears ran down her cheeks and she hastily wiped them away. She had to be strong for him but it was so hard. How could anyone do this to another human being?  
She telepathically began pulling him out of the dream. When his breathing slowed and he seemed to be calmer, she sat on the floor beside his bed and that is where she sat for the remainder of the night.

She looked around his room, the light from the moon shining just enough for her to see her way around. His queen bed was pushed against the far wall with a nightstand beside the bed. On the nightstand there was only a small alarm clock. An area rug was on the floor in the middle of the room and on the opposite wall there was a dresser and a bookcase. The shelves on the bookcase were empty as was the top of the dresser. Y/N shook her head.

When Bucky woke in the morning he looked over to see Y/N leaning against the wall, her head resting against her knees. He shifted his weight and her head shot up looking directly at him. When she saw that he was ok and it was morning she nodded her head and walked out of the room. Instead of going to bed, Y/N went downstairs and made herself a cup of coffee. After what she saw last night, she had too much on her mind to sleep. Walking over to her bookcases in the den she started looking through the books. She began making a mental list of her favorite books and after deciding what she was going to do she went up to take a shower. 

Y/N spent the day shopping and got home about 5:00pm. She dumped the bags of groceries on the kitchen counter and took the rest of the bags upstairs. Seeing that Bucky and Steve were out, most likely gone for a run, she went directly into Bucky’s room and placed the books on the bookshelf. She took out the preloaded iPod and docking station and placed on the top of the dresser with written instructions, and finally placing an item on his nightstand. It was a framed picture of him and Steve. Satisfied with what she had done, she went down to the kitchen and made dinner for the boys. Bucky and Steve came home about an hour later and they both went straight upstairs to shower. After about 15 minutes though, Bucky came into the kitchen. The shower was still running upstairs, so it must have been Steve who got to shower first. Bucky didn’t say anything at first; he just stood there staring at Y/N. She looked back at him and then continued rolling the rolling pin over the pie crust. After a few moments he finally spoke.

“Care to explain?” He asked softly and she hesitated for a moment before responding. 

“I knew you would never buy anything for yourself, and you can’t continue to sit in an empty room staring at shelves.” She turned and looked at him wiping her hands on the apron she was wearing.

He continued to stare at her. “After…during the nights…. you don’t have to stay until morning.”

She gave him a sad smile and then sighed. “Let me know if you need help with the iPod.” She went back to making the pie for dessert.

He left the room as quietly as he entered it.

The next few months went by as they normally do. Training, missions, and lazy days off occupied their time. Y/N continued to take turns with Steve calming Bucky down on bad nights. It was always the same. Y/N would go in, place her hand on his chest, speak to him in a soothing voice and then pull him out of his own mind. After she was sure that he was ok she would sit on the floor and ‘stand watch’ so to speak until morning. The third time Y/N entered his room, when she went to sit down on her usual spot on the floor, there was a pillow there. Y/N continued to spend nights on the floor in Bucky’s room every second occurrence of a nightmare. She only had to use her shield once and Bucky came out of it shortly after and he curled up on his bed. He refused to look at Y/N for the next few days but that did not stop her from continuing to go to him when he had nightmares.  
One night after he woke up, he was just lying there staring at the ceiling unable to go back to sleep. Y/N was sitting in her usual spot on the floor with her head on her knees.

“Why do you stay?” He asked softly. “Steve doesn’t.”

Y/N lifted her head up and looked at Bucky for a few moments before answering. When she did, her words were soft but blunt.

“Steve doesn’t see what you see. I do.” She stretched her legs out in front of her and leaned forward touching her toes emitting a soft moan.

“It must be pretty uncomfortable.” Bucky said rolling over into his side so he could look at her. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “I don’t mind, and besides what else am I going to do?” She said and yawned. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling again.

“You know it is a pretty big bed… I mean I don’t want you to think that I am being a creep. And I promise I will stay on my side of the bed. But if you are determined to stay, it is only right if I offer you…. And only if you want to.” He stumbled out and Y/N laughed.

“Bucky, are you asking me to share your bed?” She teased.

“Sorry it was inappropriate, forget I said anything.” He rolled over and faced the wall. The room was silent and he was scared he had upset her. He felt the bed sink as she crawled in behind him.

“Thanks Buck.” She whispered

When Y/N woke in the morning she felt a weight across her side holding her down. It took her a moment to realize where she was and when she did she also realized that it was Bucky’s metal arm wrapped around her. She didn’t dare move for fear of waking him as she was enjoying being so close to him. She closed her eyes and felt his warm breath on the back of her neck. She had accepted long ago the fact that she adored him, but never allowed herself to think of Bucky as anything but a roommate and a friend. He was still trying to put his life back together and it was selfish of Y/N to think about anything but helping him as a friend. Now however, lying in his bed with his arms wrapped around her she couldn’t help but let her mind wonder if there could ever be something more there. There was a soft knock on the door and knowing it was Steve she cursed him under her breath.

“Hey Bucky, you alright? You are usually up by now and ……” He stopped mid-sentence when he saw the scene in front of him.

“Shit sorry Buck. I thought you’d be alone.” Behind Y/N she felt Bucky sigh and realized he was awake as well.

“It’s okay Steve, but do you mind giving us a moment?”

“Yeah for sure, again sorry.” Steve said blushing as he closed the door.

After Steve closed the door Bucky pulled his arm off Y/N and rolled onto his back. Y/N did the same.

“Sorry.” Bucky said and Y/N let out a nervous laughed

“Steve was just worried about you, no need to be sorry.”

“No I meant sorry for not staying on my side of the bed.” He said embarrassed.

“Oh. Are you though?” She asked rolling on her side and looking at him. “Because I’m not. It was nice.”

He looked at her and then back to the ceiling. “It shouldn’t have happened. I promise it won’t happen next time.”  
Y/N sighed and rolled onto her back again. “Okay” She decided that she couldn’t say anything more without conveying the hurt she was feeling so she decided to just leave. When she got to her room she closed the door and curled up in her own bed.

Bucky was mad at himself. He had been developing feelings for Y/N from the first time she came into his room to comfort him after one of his nightmares. Last night his body betrayed him and allowed himself to hold her like he always wanted to. The problem was he had been refusing to allow himself to react to how he was feeling. What if he hurt her? He was a damaged man and all he brought was pain to those around him. He would not let that happen to her. He ran his hands over his face. She had felt so nice in his arms, like she belonged there. He could still smell the scent of her hair and feel the warmth from her body. This wasn’t doing him any good. He got out of bed, and headed downstairs. When he got down there Sam and Steve were sitting at the kitchen table. Bucky sat next to Sam and without saying a word Sam passed him a cup of coffee. Sam had never been a morning person and Bucky appreciated that. Steve on the other hand was the complete opposite.

“Sorry again Buck.” Steve said shyly and Bucky held up his hand.

“It’s fine.” He said and took a sip of coffee. Sam looked at both men confused but then decided it was better not to ask.

“Where is Y/N?” He asked instead.

“In her room.” Bucky answered not looking at Steve.

“Well she better get moving because we have a meeting at 9. I better go make sure she is up.” Sam said grabbing a cup of coffee for Y/N and heading upstairs leaving Bucky and Steve alone.

“Whatever you want to say, save it.” Bucky stated when Sam was out of earshot.

“What? All I was going to say was I think it’s nice.” Steve said sitting beside Bucky.

“Nice?” Bucky asked and Steve nodded.

“Come on Buck, I see the way you look at her. The first time I saw you actually smile since you have been back is when you were talking to her. She seems to make you happy.”

“Nothing can happen between us.” Bucky said simply.

“Why not?” Steve asked confused.

“You know why Steve.” Bucky replied and got up leaving the room.

The meeting that they all had to attend was to lay out the missions for the next few months. There were still teams on standby but main missions had to be planned. After it was over everyone headed to the Avengers common room. Steve, Sam, Bucky, Bruce and Vision were sitting at the kitchen counter while Wanda, Y/N and Nat were sitting in the living room. Maria Hill came in and sat on the couch opposite of Y/N.

“Hey Y/L/N, Nate Brandon was looking for you earlier.” She wiggled her eyebrows at her and Nat laughed

“Probably wants to ask you out again. What is it once a week for the last 3 months? Nat teased Y/N.

"Something like that.” Y/N replied.

Pietro came into the room and lay on the couch next to Y/N, placing his head in her lap. In the kitchen Bucky’s body tensed and his metal hand was balled into a tight fist. Steve looked over at him and raised his eyebrows. Bucky, realizing what he was doing, forced his body to relax. 

“Are you going to say yes to a date with him?” Wanda asked and Y/N glanced over at the kitchen where Bucky was having a silent exchange with Steve.

“No.” She responded and looked at Wanda.

“Why the hell not? Y/N I swear that man is one of the finest I have ever seen.” Hill responded grabbing her chest.

“Who wants to date our Y/N?” Pietro asked

“Nate Brandon.” Wanda replied and Pietro looked up at Y/N.

“Who the hell is that?” he asked and Y/N smiled bopping him on the nose with her finger.

Hill responded to Pietro’s question. “He is an Agent and he is bloody beautiful. He is tall, oh so tall. Short dark hair, a jawline so sharp you could cut your finger on it and the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen. Not to mention he is jacked!! His muscles are massive. But the best part has got to be his British accent. ” Her voice was dreamy and Y/N laughed. 

“My God Hill, you are practically drooling. If you like him so much why don’t you date him?” she asked looking at her amused.

“Honey I would in a heartbeat, but we all know you are the one he wants. Why won’t you go out with him?”

Y/N shrugged and smiled.

“Maybe she is waiting for someone else to ask instead.” Wanda smiled. 

Y/N made a pillow fly off of the couch and smack Wanda in the head. She then gave Wanda a look warning her that if she said anything else she would kill her. Of course Wanda had known how Y/N felt about Bucky. They didn’t have any secrets between them. They decided long ago to just tell each other everything because if they did have secrets, they could easily pluck it out of the others mind.

“Who?!” Nat asked

“Yeah Y/N who is this mystery man?” Hill asked sitting up straight.

“Well…” She looked over at the kitchen again and blushed when Bucky looked over at her. Acting quickly she looked down at Pietro “I have been waiting for Pietro to notice me for quite some time, but he never seems to get the hint.” Y/N teased and winked at him. Pietro sat up and moved his face closer to hers grinning.

“Don’t you tease me Moje Kralovna (My Queen). If I thought even a portion of that sentence was true I would take you right here and now.”

“How romantic.” Y/N said sarcastically then pushed Pietro away from her. He grabbed his chest and feigning a broken heart.

“Well then if isn’t Pietro who is it?” Hill asked and Y/N shook her head.

“Ladies and Pietro, as much fun as this has been, I am going to hit the training room.” She got up and walked towards the elevator.

“I’ll join you.” Steve said and jogged over to her. 

They rode the elevator down in silence. Y/N could tell that Steve wanted to say something but was holding his tongue. Curiosity got the best of her and she peaked into his thoughts.  
She made a noise in her throat that made Steve look up at her and she blushed.

“You know I hate it when you read my thoughts Y/N.” He crossed his arms and gave her a disappointed glare.

“Sorry, but you are sitting there brooding and it was driving me crazy.” She replied copying his stance. “Now that I know though I have to say he’s right Steve. As much as I want to, it would be selfish of me to ask him to considering anything other than a friendship between us right now. He has enough on his mind with trying to put his life back together.” 

Steve looked at her and rolled his eyes.

“And what if you are what he needs to feel normal again? To get back some sort of semblance of what he used to be? Have you considered that?” He asked and Y/N shook her head.

“He isn’t ready for that Steve. He practically said so this morning. Just leave it.” She stated ending the conversation. The elevator doors opened and Y/N disappeared into the changing room.

Feeling anxious from everything that had been done and said that morning, Y/N went straight to the track. She had to clear her head and running always helped. After she ran as much as she could, she went over to the water fountain to refill up her water bottle. Sitting on the bench catching her breath she was watching the rest of the team at various stations. In the far corner Bucky was going at the punching bag. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of shorts that hung teasingly low on his hips. His hair was pulled back into small bun and his body swayed as his fists pounded the leather. Y/N smiled but then stopped and looked at the floor. She shook her head cursing herself for her lack of self-control. A pair of feet appeared in her line of vision and she slowly looked up.

“Hello Y/N. I was looking for you earlier; I should have known I would find you here.” Nate said taking a seat beside her.

“Hey Nate, how are you?” Y/N replied looking over at him. 

Hill was right, he was extremely good looking and his accent was pretty hot. Y/N started thinking that maybe she should consider accepting a date with him. It would keep her mind off of Bucky and the impossible romance she longed for. She glanced up at Bucky who was still at the punching bag.

“So is today the day you will finally agree to go out with me?” He asked then put his arm around her shoulder. 

Y/N smiled and slightly leaned into his body. Right when she was about to answer, they heard a loud crash across the room. They both looked up to see the bag Bucky had been punching laying on the ground across the room in front of a wall with a large hole in it. There was sand everywhere and Bucky was standing there unwrapping his flesh hand. He looked angry.

“Sorry Nate, not today.” Y/N called back as she headed over to Bucky. Steve had started to head over to Bucky as well, but when he saw Y/N he backed off.

“Hey Buck, you okay?” Y/N asked cautiously. 

She was standing a few feet back in case she had to contain him in a shield. He didn’t answer her and she started to peak in his thoughts to be sure that he was himself and he wasn’t experiencing a flashback to his Winter Soldier days. Suddenly he turned on her and she put up a shield wall between them. Y/N thought she saw a flash regret when he saw he had scared her but when she looked again he was glaring at her.

“Stay out of my head Y/N.” He turned and walked out of the training room. Steve tried to stop him but he brushed him off.

“I’m fine Steve” Bucky snapped and left the room.

Y/N walked up to Steve and put her hand on his shoulder. “He’s not okay. You go, I’ll clean this up.” Steve nodded and went after Bucky.

After Y/N had cleaned up the mess Bucky had made and put in a work order to have the wall fixed she headed back to the common room. Sam was sitting at the kitchen counter waiting for her.

“Hey, Steve and Bucky left, and they took your car. Tony said that we could borrow one of his cars to get home.” Sam informed her.

“Oh, okay. So are you ready to go now?” She asked and he nodded. 

When they got home the place was quiet and Y/N’s car wasn’t in the garage. Neither of them was sure where Steve and Bucky were, but they weren’t surprised they weren’t home.


	2. Chapter 2

After the incident in the training room Steve decided to take Bucky on a small drive to their old neighborhood to clear his head. Bucky wasn’t sure why Steve insisted on doing this, he barely remembered the places Steve was pointing out, and even if he had they had all changed beyond recognition. Bucky was tired and frustrated. He had stupidly lost control of his emotions.

“So you want to talk about it?” Steve looked over at Bucky who shook his head. “Well then I am going to.” Steve huffed “I know what happened today. I’m not stupid. Why don’t you just accept the fact that you have feelings for her, and let yourself be happy for the first time in a long time?” Bucky continued looking out the window, not responding to Steve. Steve continued despite “I feel like if you don’t, you are going to drive yourself crazy with jealousy and do something stupid.”

“I won’t” Bucky responded gruffly. 

“Really, you are so sure of that? Well let me ask you this, what if tomorrow Nate decides to ask Y/N out and she says yes this time. You will be ok with that?” Steve looked over at Bucky who tensed slightly but then looked over at Steve determined.

“Yes” He said simply and Steve shook his head.

“Okay let’s say they start dating and one day you walk in on them kissing in the hall way. You will be okay with that?” Steve asked and Bucky squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.

“Yes”

“Really okay, let’s say that one night after training late you come home and go upstairs and see Y/N lying in her bed with Nate. How about then?” Bucky’s hand clenched and he glared at Steve, refusing to answer him.

“And they are naked.” Steve adds and Bucky’s eyes widened.

“Alright enough” He yelled and then punched the dash leaving a large dent.

“Yeah you totally have this under control.” Steve said sarcastically. He then looked at Bucky seriously. “Just promise me you will at least consider it.” He reached over and squeezed Bucky’s shoulder. 

When they got home Y/N’s laugh was the first thing they heard walking in the door. Sam and Y/N were in the living room playing video games.

“Come on Wilson, get your shit together. My nephew could do a better job then you are doing and he is 8.” She teased and pushed his shoulder so he fell sideways

“Seriously, if this was ‘Just Dance’ like I originally suggested then I would be kicking your ass right now Y/L/N.” Sam countered and smacked the controller out of Y/N’s hands.

“Last time dude, my PS4 means my games.” Y/N said bending over and grabbing her controller. “Now get it together and take that group out on the left.”

“Don’t you get enough of this shit at work? If you are antsy to shoot people, go on a mission already.” Sam said while looking down at the controller trying to figure out what he was doing wrong.

“I am, soon. This just helps me unwind in the meantime.” Y/N replied. Realizing Sam’s struggle she paused the game and turned to him, grabbing his controller and pointing to the various buttons. “Okay, here are your triggers, this is how you jump, and this is how you…..” She was interrupted by Steve clearing his throat at the door to the living room. They both looked up to see him standing there staring at them.

“Um hey, everything good?” Y/N asked and Steve nodded his head.

“Yeah, I mean I have to fix a small dent in your car…but yeah everything is great.” Steve answered giving Y/N his sad puppy dog eyes hoping she wouldn’t get mad.

“What?! You got in an accident? Are you guys okay? I am shocked you are honestly the most cautious driver I know.” Y/N cried standing up and walking over to him. When she got closer she realized that Bucky was skulking in the hallway behind Steve looking embarrassed.

“No no no. We are fine, it’s ah…it isn’t a dent on the outside. It is a dent on the inside. On the dash…passenger side.” Steve told her and then she realized why Bucky was there. 

“Oh, I see. Um…don’t worry about it. I will take a look at it tomorrow. I am sure Tony will be able to fix it easily.” She said while looking at Bucky. He looked up at her and she gave him an encouraging smile.

“Sorry” He mumbled gruffly and then went upstairs to his room. After he was gone Y/N looked up at Steve.

“Is he okay?” She asked her stomach twisting into knots. She hated seeing Bucky like this.

“He will be. He just is working through some things right now.” Steve smiled at her “It’s probably best that I take the shift tonight if he has a nightmare. I mean it is my turn anyway.” 

He gave her a hug and then headed upstairs to bed. Y/N went back and sat on the couch. She was deflated. There was something going on with Bucky and she didn’t like it. She knew it would be conceded to think it had something do with her so she tried to push the thought out of her head. The more she sat there though, the more she thought about it and the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. She grabbed her beer off of the coffee table and took a long swig. Lost in her thoughts she didn’t realize that Sam was talking to her until she looked over and saw him staring at her.

“Pardon?” She asked

“I asked if everything was okay.” He reached over and rubbed her back.

“Yeah, everything is good babe.” Y/N said but Sam was unconvinced.

“It must be hard, having feelings for Bucky” Sam said sympathetically to Y/N who looked at him shocked.

“What no, me and Buck we are just friends.” Y/N lied.

“Come on! I don’t need to have your gifts to know what you are thinking Y/N. You are falling hard for him, anyone can see it.” Sam smiled at her.

“Oh God” She buried her face in her hands. “It’s so hard you know. Wanting something I can never have with him. And it fucking consumes me. I just wish…” she stopped and lifted her head looking at the ceiling where Bucky’s bedroom was.

“I know darling. Hey, it will be okay. Do you want to keep playing your game? I promise to put in 100% effort.” He winked at her and she chuckled.

“No you know what, I am pretty tired. It has been a long day; I think I am going to head to bed.” She leaned over and gave him a big hug. “Thanks Sam.” 

The next morning Y/N woke up and went for a run. Last night Bucky had had a nightmare and it sounded bad. It took everything she had not to go into his room and take over the situation but she held back and let Steve do his thing. This morning though when she saw Bucky and Steve they both looked awful and she regretted her decision. After her run Y/N headed into the Avengers facility. She had some long neglected reports she had to work on and figured it was best to give the boys some space. Bucky though had also decided he wanted to head into the facility to train. Steve was right; he was having a hard time maintaining composure around Y/N so he figured he would throw himself into training and avoid being around her as much as he could. He was leaving on a long mission with Steve in a few days so he just had to make it until then. All he had to do was stay in his room, avoid her at the facility, and not have any nightmares. He was walking off the elevator lost in his thoughts when he slammed into someone knocking them down. When he looked and saw it was Y/N he let out a small laugh. Y/N gave him a curious look and he immediately reached out to help her up.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to knock you over.” Bucky said

“And you thought it was funny?” Y/N asked “Because I don’t think I have ever heard you laugh before.” Bucky immediately became flustered

“No, it was just the situation. I was just thinking about………and then I ran into you….. Again I am sorry.” He finished lamely.

“Don’t worry about it; I was just heading up to work on some reports.” She said shyly.

“Oh yeah, I was just heading to train.” Bucky said uncomfortably.

“Alright well then, I guess I will see you later.” Y/N replied and walked away.

“Yeah, avoiding Y/N is going to be a piece of cake.” Bucky mumbled sarcastically to himself.

As it turned out, Bucky had managed to not see Y/N until the next night when he had another nightmare. Y/N went in, pulled him out of his dream and made sure he was okay. After he was calmed down Y/N stood awkwardly beside his bed.

“Do you want me to go back to sitting on the floor?” She asked and he knew he should say yes but what came out of his mouth was the complete opposite.

“Of course not.” He lifted the covers and she crawled in beside him. They both were lying on their backs staring at the ceiling.

“You have been avoiding me.” She stated sounding hurt. He looked over at her not prepared for the conversation they were about to have.

“Yes.” He answered

“Why?”

“You haven’t looked into my thoughts to find out?” He asked surprised.

“No” She said simply

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because you told me to stay out of your head.” She shrugged and rolled over to her side so she was facing him. “Normally I make a point to look into people’s minds if they tell me not to because it means they are hiding something. With you though, it’s different. I already know that you have a lot of secrets. Plus I just figure you have had enough people poking around in your head unwanted and I didn’t want to be one of them.”

Her words hit him hard. She was so different from anyone else he had ever known. Normally people try their hardest to get him to open up to them about what had happened to him and what he had done. Yet here she was, able to go in and find out whatever she wanted and she didn’t, simply because he asked her not to. He looked at her ashamed. “I am sorry I snapped at you, in the training room. You were just trying to help.” He rolled over so that he was looking directly into her beautiful Y/E/C eyes. “And you are not unwanted; please don’t ever feel that way.” He was starting to lose his resolve, and at this point he didn’t know how to gain it back.

“So tell me, why have you been avoiding me?” She whispered

“Because.” Bucky sighed. “I was trying to stop this from happening.” He reached up and brushed his finger over her cheek. “Because I don’t deserve to be as happy as I am when I   
am around you. And because I foolishly thought that I could ignore the way I feel about you.”

Y/N reached up and cupped Bucky’s face with her hand. Without saying a word Bucky leaned his face into hers. She could feel the warmth of his skin on her cheeks and she closed her eyes. Her breath hitched in her throat when she felt his lips brush against hers. Suddenly they were kissing, it was soft and each movement was deliberate. Bucky pulled away and looked at Y/N. She had her eyes closed and she was smiling. She opened her eyes and looked at him, nodding her head and whispered “okay”. Reaching out she grabbed him and kissed him again. This time the kiss was more intense. Y/N ran her hands through Bucky’s hair, grabbing a handful and pressing him closer to her. His hands snaked around her waist. Their bodies were hard against each other’s but they were still trying to close any gaps between them. She wrapped her leg around his thighs. He pulled away breathing heavily and pressed his forehead against hers.

“Wow” Y/N whispered and Bucky nodded his head. He then began kissing her neck, causing Y/N to moan. His hand reached up and began kneading her breast through the thin material of her shirt. She pressed her hips forward and could feel his hardness against her.

“Y/N, it has been a very long time since I have been with someone.” He whispered embarrassed.

She pressed her hands against his chest pushing him onto his back and then straddled him.

“Don’t worry Buck, I will be gentle.” She winked at him and sat up removing her shirt. He stared at her in awe.

“My god you are beautiful.” Bucky said reaching his hand up and running it down her body. She reached down and tug at the hem of his shirt and he lifted his back as she slid it off of him.

“You are not too bad yourself Barnes.” 

She leaned in and crashed her lips onto his, grinding her hips against him. A loud moan formed in his throat. She lifted her hips and he frowned into the kiss, until he felt her hook her fingers into the elastic of his pants and pull them down. She pulled back from the kiss and managed to pull them down to his knees, where he maneuvered his legs ridding himself of them completely. He looked up at her with concern.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked and she smiled.

“Bucky I have never been so sure about something in my whole life.” She leaned in and took his bottom lip between her teeth biting it softly.

“Okay then, these have to go.” He reached up with his metal hand and ripped her small shorts off completely. This caused her to cry out in shock.

“Fuck that was hot.” She grinned, reached her hand down and guided him to her opening. 

He raised his hips up as she lowered herself down onto him. She let out a moan and he leaned his head back and did the same. She slowly started to rock her hip forward as he reached up, placing his hands on her hips guiding her. She then started picking up speed, and he reached down to rub her most sensitive spot.

“Oh god Buck, I am close. That feels so good.”

Suddenly she cried out and her body clenched around him as her orgasm rolled through her. This was all he needed to reach his own release. Y/N collapsed on the bed beside him and he gathered her up into his arms. Basking in their bliss they both fell asleep.

The next morning Y/N woke up knowing exactly where she was. Her head was resting on Bucky’s chest and his arms were wrapped around her. She smiled and turned her head kissing his chest.

“Morning” Bucky said softly reaching up and running his hands through her hair.

“Good morning to you.” She said raising herself up and placing a kiss on his lips.

“So what is your plan today?” Bucky asked tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“Ugh, I have to go in and do some training and then get ready because I leave on mission tonight for a couple of days.” She answered sitting up and rubbing her face. “What about you?”

“I was going to also go in and train, Steve and I leave at the end of the week for a pretty long mission.” He answered crossing his arms behind his head.

“How long is your mission going to take?” Y/N asked frowning at him.

“About a month.” He answered seeing the disappointment on her face.

“Well then, we better make use of the time we have.” She leaned in and began kissing him.


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually they made their way out of the bedroom. By the time they got downstairs, Sam and Steve had already headed into the facility. They took the time to enjoy their coffee, and each others company. Surrendering to their responsibilities, they headed in to the facility. Once they got there they both went straight to the common room. Y/N had to find Pietro and Nat to go over details of their upcoming mission while Bucky wanted to find Steve. Walking in they saw Nat and Wanda sitting in the living room talking.

“Hey Nat, looks like we are just waiting on Pietro?” Y/N asked and Nat looked up and her and laughed.

“Um no. Pietro and I have been waiting for you for the last hour. You know how he can’t sit in one place for more than a minute? Yeah well he was driving me crazy so I sent him to the training room, told him we would meet him there.” Nat then saw Bucky standing behind Y/N. “Oh hey Bucky. How’s it going?”

He looked at her and then Wanda “Fine. Where is Steve?”

“He’s is in the training room.” Wanda answered though she was looking at him with curiosity.

“Ok, well” he turned to Y/N and started to reach out his hand but then stopped and awkwardly smiled at her “I’ll ah…see you later.”

“Definitely.” Y/N smiled back at him and he left the room.

Once he was gone Nat turned to Y/N “What the hell was that?” She asked.

“What?” Y/N laughed going into the kitchen for a bottle of water.

“That was weird, and extremely fucking awkward.” She responded and Y/N returned to the living room and sat down on the couch.

“Don’t take it personally, you know Buck he’s quiet and blunt.” She replied

“That is not what I am referring to and you know it.” Nat said looking at Y/N seriously.

Suddenly Wanda cried out scaring both Y/N and Nat. “OH MY GOD!!!” She was looking at Y/N with her mouth hanging wide open.

“Wanda! Jesus Christ you scared the shit out of me. What the hell is wrong with you??” Nat said throwing a pillow at her. Wanda however continued to stare at Y/N and then she started laughing.

“Y/N!!!” She said Y/N looked over at her blushing.

“What?” Y/N smiled at her. Nat was looking at both of them and then it finally clicked for her.

“Oh my god.” Nat said

“Yes I think we have established that already Nat, thanks for catching up.” Y/N smirked.

“You bedded the famous Winter Soldier!” Nat said sitting back looking impressed.

“Ok first off, please do not call him the Winter Soldier.” Y/N looked at her sternly. “Secondly, who the hell says bedded anymore, weirdo?” to which Nat laughed.

“So?” Wanda asked crossing her legs on the couch and looking expectantly at Y/N.

“Oh no. Not happening ladies.” Y/N said laughing.

“Just a few small details? Please” Wanda begged and Y/N shook her head.

“Come on Nat, let’s go find Pietro. And hey” She looked at both of them seriously “not a word about this to anyone. Got that?”

“Yes ma’am.” They both said in sync with each other.

When they got down to the training room, Y/N saw that Bucky had found Steve and they were quietly talking in the corner. She searched for Pietro, seeing him on the opposite side of the room she went over to him.

“Well well well, so you decided to finally grace us with your presence. Where were you this morning, you are never late?” Pietro asked

“I slept in. Long night.” She answered.

“Ok? So are we going to do this or what?” Pietro said looking over at Nat.

“Yeah, do you want to train for a bit first and then we will go and get ready to leave?” Y/N asked glancing over to where Bucky and Steve were standing.

“Sure, we are apparently supposed to leave at about 4:00pm so we can train for a few hours and then prep for the mission.” Nat said with a mischievous grin on her face. “Okay well I will spar with Speedy but wait, that leaves you with no one to spar with Y/N, oh I know who can spar with you!” And before Y/N could stop her she called out to Bucky across the room.

He walked up to them and Y/N looked away blushing.

“You bellowed.” Bucky said unimpressed.

“Yeah, Y/N needs a sparring partner, and because we have a mission tonight it is important she trains as much as possible. Would you help her out?” Nat asked grinning.

Bucky looked at Y/N and raised his eyebrows. “Sure.”

“Okay well then it is settled. Oh and Bucky, go easy on her. Apparently she had a long night.” Nat said and winked at them both. Y/N glared at her and made the mat under Nat’s feet pull up slightly so she fell down.

Bucky lead Y/N over to an area where they would have their own space to spar and when they were alone Bucky turned to her.

“So that didn’t take long.” He said with a smile.

“Sorry, her and Wanda worked it out on their own.” Y/N shrugged.

“Y/N, she is a master spy. I am surprised that it wasn’t the first thing she said to you.” Bucky replied reaching over and running his hand down her back.

“You’re not disappointed?” Y/N looked up at him

“Why would I be? Everyone was bound to find out soon anyways. Besides, I’m….happy.” Bucky said and Y/N laughed.

“Are you going to be okay? That last part sounded like it was hard to get out.” She teased.

“I just haven’t said that in a very long time.” He leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips.

Across the room someone whistled and then Nat yelled for them to stop making out and get sparring causing them to laugh.

They spent the next few hours sparring and then Y/N had to go get ready to leave. Bucky told her he would wait and see her off. After they had loaded the Quin Jet and laid out the details of the mission they were ready to leave. Y/N was the last one to get on, as her and Bucky were saying goodbye. He was nervous about her going and she had to remind him that she had been going on missions without him for quite some time.

“I will be back in a couple of days. Don’t worry everything will be fine.” She assured him and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Let’s go Y/N. The sooner we leave the sooner we will be back.” Pietro called from the jet and Y/N shook her head.

“I have to go. I will be back before you know it I promise.” She gave him one last kiss and walked onto the jet.

Bucky had a hard time falling asleep that night and when he finally did it was not long before he had a terrible nightmare. Steve heard Bucky’s screams and instantly barged into his room. He had never heard him scream like that before and he was scared. It took him a long time to get him to come out of it and when he finally did Bucky grabbed his shirt panting.

“Where is Y/N?” Bucky screamed

“She is ok Buck. She is on a mission.” Steve assured him but he shook his head.

“How do you know she is okay?” He asked and Steve looked at him sympathetically.

“They would call me if anything was wrong. Don’t worry she is fine.”

“Call them. Make sure.” Bucky demanded and Steve sighed going into his room and retrieving his phone. He dialed the number and got through to the coms room.

“Hello, this is Captain Rogers. Can you please give me a current status on Black Widow’s mission?”

Bucky waited impatiently while the person on the phone spoke.

“Okay, and that was the last update?” Steve asked and then sighed looking over at Bucky.

“I’m sorry to ask this but can you patch me through to Black Widow please?”

When the other person put him on hold Steve looked at Bucky. “They checked in when they first arrived at their destination but have been radio silent since.” Bucky looked at Steve nervously. Finally Nat’s voice was in Steve’s ear.

“What’s going on Cap? Everything alright?” She asked concern in her voice.

“Yeah, everything is fine. I just wanted to check in and see how the mission was going.” Steve replied

“At 3:30 in the morning? Well it’s going fine. Right now we are just staking out the suspected Hydra base, tomorrow we will go in and take care of it.” Nat responded

“So everyone is doing well?” Steve asked clarifying for Bucky.

“Yes everyone is fine.” Nat said starting to sound annoyed.

“Ok thanks for clearing that up. Keep me in the loop tomorrow.” Steve said and he hung up the phone.

“See Buck she is fine. Don’t worry you will see her soon.” Steve said and Bucky curled up on his bed facing away from Steve.

“Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” Steve asked

“No, I absolutely do not.” Bucky snapped.

The next day Bucky was unbearable to be around. He snapped at anyone who talked to him and refused to leave the coms room until he knew how the mission went. When Steve suggested that he just call Y/N and talk to her, Bucky refused. It wasn’t until later that evening that Nat called in with a status report. The mission was a success and there were little to no injuries to her team. Their plan was to spend the night onsite finishing up and then they would leave in the morning. Satisfied that Y/N was no longer in any danger Bucky left without a word.

The next morning Steve thought that Bucky would be up at the break of dawn and at the facility waiting for Y/N to return. Instead he was locked away in his room. When Steve went to check in on him and ask him if he wanted to come into the facility with him, Bucky declined. 

Steve was waiting for the team when they landed and just as Nat said they came out with only a few cuts and bruises. They were tired but elated to be home. When Y/N came off the Quin jet her eyes immediately searched for Bucky but the only face she saw was Steve’s.

“Hey Steve.” She gave him a big hug. He pulled her back and examined her face. She had a bruise on her cheek and a fat lip. “Where is Buck?” She asked looking around as if she thought he would suddenly appear.

“He is at home. He has had a rough couple of days Y/N.” Steve explained looking down at her.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” She asked and started walking into the facility.

“I don’t know, to be honest.” Steve replied following her into the locker room.

Y/N stripped off her suit standing in only her shorts and a sports bra causing Steve to blush and turn away.

“My god Steve, you have seen me in this before. I run in this on the track when it is hot out.” She laughed

“Anyways, I am worried about him. Can you talk to him?” Steve asked “Maybe seeing you again will lighten his mood.” 

“Why do you think I am rushing to get out of here? Don’t worry, he’ll be okay.” Y/N assured him and walked out of the room leaving Steve staring at the wall.

When she got to the house she couldn’t wait to see Bucky. She dropped her bags at the door and rushed upstairs. Bucky’s door was closed and she knocked lightly then opened it. There was soft music playing on the iPod and Bucky was sitting reading a book. Y/N smiled and he looked up at her.

“Hey” She said quietly. “It has been a long couple of days.” She walked across the room and bent down to kiss him but he put his hand on her chest preventing her from reaching his lips. She stood back and looked at him confused. His face was a blank slate.

“What is going on Buck?” She asked and he sighed and looked up at her.

“Listen,” he started “I’m ending this.” Y/N felt her stomach drop.

“Pardon?” She asked and then swallowed the lump in her throat.

“I think you know exactly what I said.” He responded coldly. She stared at him and then looked into his mind. He was repeating the same words over and over again: ‘Don’t make this hard’.

“Make what hard. Bucky what the fuck is going on?” She asked and he glared at her.

“So much for being one of the unwanted people in my head.” He snapped and she looked at him with tears forming in her eyes. “Listen Y/N, you are a nice person, and I appreciate all you have done for me, but it would be best if we went back to being just friends and roommates. Nothing more.”

His words were like a slap in the face. She was barely holding it together.

“What the hell happened while I was gone?” She asked with pain in her voice.

“I’m sorry, I have too much on plate right now and a relationship is the last thing that I need. I shouldn’t have let this even start but it had been decades since a pretty girl shared a bed with me and I couldn’t help myself.” He said simply. At this her knees gave out and she sat down hard on the bed beside him.

“So all of this was because you have no fucking self-control?” She asked incredulously.

“I told you it had been a long time.” He said unsympathetically. “It was just sex. Nothing more.”

Tears were now flowing freely down Y/N’s cheeks. “It wasn’t ‘just sex’ for me.” She stated.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I thought about it while you were gone and I have let it go too far, it was time to tell you the truth. I leave in a few days for a month long mission, I just hope when I return, things can go back to the way they used to be before.” He said and then got up leaving the room, while she helplessly fell apart.


	4. Chapter 4

Y/N spent the next few days in her bed with her door locked. The only time she would leave the room was to get some water. A few of times someone knocked on the door but she would never respond. She was heartbroken and didn’t want to see anyone. She had cried so much that she didn’t have any tears left and all she could do was lie in her bed and relive what happened over and over again. She couldn’t eat or sleep, however someone kept sliding granola bars under her door. These currently sat intact on her night stand along with discarded tissues. Her grief was so strong that is deafened the world outside of her bedroom. This didn’t stop her from hearing Bucky’s screams in the middle of the night though. She leaned over and plugged her earphones in hoping, to drown out reality as she waited for sleep that would never come. 

Early one morning she heard her door open, by this time though she was too weak to even care who it was. She felt the mattress dip under the weight of the intruder and arms slowly wrap around her. She rolled over to find herself face to face with Wanda while Nat stood at the door.

“Hey” Wanda said brushing the hair off of Y/N’s face.

“Hey” Y/N whispered

“I picked the lock.” Nat stated. “I couldn’t stand it anymore; I refuse to let you stay in bed for one more minute.”

Y/N looked at the door and then back at Wanda. 

“They’re gone Y/N. They left on their mission this morning.” Wanda said pointing to the open door. Tears started forming in her eyes. So that was it, he left without a word. Y/N had been hoping this was all a mistake and that he was going to come in here and take it all back. She closed her eyes.

“You know none of us know what happened. You have been locked away in here and Bucky is refusing to talk to anyone. But I think it is safe to assume……” Nat started

“I’m not talking about it Nat.” Y/N interrupted her.

“I’m not asking you to but, you can’t stay in bed like this, look at you. Your eyes are ridiculously swollen and red, you are extremely pale which is making the dark circles under your eyes stand out and your cheeks are sunken in. I had expected you to be in rough shape but honestly you look like shit.” Nat said bluntly. “Now please get up and get showered. Sam is waiting downstairs and we are all determined to get you through this. If you want to crawl back into bed later I will let you, but for now, up.” She held out her hand and Y/N looked up at her.

“There is no way you guys are going to just leave and let me continue to wallow in misery is there?” She asked 

“Nope” Wanda said

She reached up and took Nat’s hand.

The shower felt amazing and she was thankful that they had forced her to take one. After she dried her hair and got dressed she headed downstairs. Nat and Wanda were waiting for her on the couch.

“Well you look a little better.” Nat walked over to Y/N and gave her a big hug.

“Thanks Nat, you always know what to say to make me feel better.” Y/N mumbled sarcastically and pulled away.

“Come on Sam made a huge breakfast for us.” She said pulling Y/N into the kitchen.

Y/N glanced back at Wanda who gave her a sad smile. “We’ll talk later” She mouthed and Y/N looked away. Wanda was the last person she wanted to talk to. Wanda knew exactly how she was feeling and all it would take is one glance into Y/N’s mind for her to know exactly what had happened. Nat sat Y/N down at the kitchen table and in front of her sat a huge plate of food.

“You are kidding me right?” She stared at the bacon, pancakes, eggs and hash browns covering her plate. “I don’t even think Steve could eat this much food.”

“Eat as much as you can.” Sam said sitting in front of her. She pulled off a piece of bacon and starting chewing it. Sam gave her thumbs up and she shot him a sarcastic smile.

“Okay” Nat began “Tell us what that prick Bucky did to you.”

“No.” Y/N said and swallowed. As much as she needed to eat, the smell of the food was making her sick. She reached over and grabbed her coffee taking a large sip.

“Y/N, you don’t have to give us details, but it might be good to talk about it a little.” Sam said and Y/N looked up at him frowning.

“There is literally nothing to talk about. Barnes and I are over. Hell we barely even started. End of story.” She spat and started picking at her pancakes.

“What do you mean? We all saw you together Y/N. You guys were happy.” Wanda said and Y/N sighed.

“It wasn’t…. we weren’t.” Y/N said looking up at the ceiling. “Listen I really don’t want to talk about it, and if this is why you dragged me out of bed you are wasting your time. I am going back to bed.” She went to get up but Sam grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.

“No that is not why we got you up. We got you out of bed to help you get through this,” Sam said “Listen here is what we are going to do, we are going watch sad movies, get drunk and dance around the house.” Y/N looked at them. She didn’t have the energy to fight them so she would just play along with their game until she could crawl back into bed. 

She ate a few pieces of bacon and a pancake but could not force herself to eat anymore as she was barely holding down the small amount of food she had eaten. They then moved to the living room and Nat put on An Affair to Remember. Y/N curled up in a blanket and spaced out for the entire movie. When it was over they decided to watch another one and 

Y/N rolled her eyes when someone suggested the Notebook. Finally they decided to let Y/N pick and she put on 28 Days Later.

“Guts, gore, and zombies. Just what I need.” she said and they looked at her like she was crazy. Wanda cracked a grin and winked at Y/N, who smiled back at her.

“Well if this is the movie we are watching, I am breaking out the ice cream.” Nat said going to the kitchen. 

She came out with four small tubs of ice cream and four spoons passing it out to everyone. Y/N was going to decline but she didn’t want to hurt their feeling, it seemed like they had put a lot of thought into this. She accepted the small tub of ice cream however she put it on the coffee table to eventually melt. Again Y/N wasn’t able to pay any attention to the movie, her mind kept going back to Bucky and what had happened. When the movie was over, Sam and Nat started discussing what drinks they were going to make. Y/N, feeling claustrophobic, decided to go outside for some fresh air. She went on the back deck and sat on the porch swing. She knew that Wanda would be right behind her so she wasn’t surprised when she sat beside her. They rocked back and forth in silence for a few moments and then Wanda looked over at her.

“I saw.” She said simply, letting Y/N know that she had seen in her head what had happened.

“I know.” Y/N responded.

Without saying anything else Wanda reached over and put her arm around Y/N pulling her into a hug. Y/N let go and started to sob.

“Wanda, what did I do? Why did he do this to me?” She was barely coherent. Wanda continued to hold her as she cried into her chest.

“I don’t know why he did this but I do know that it has nothing to do with you. This is his own shit Y/N.”

“I let him in. It had been so long since I……” Y/N whispered and Wanda brushed a tear off of her own cheek.

“I know babe, I saw.” Wanda said and Y/N continued to sob while Wanda held her. When Y/N’s breathing slowed and she calmed down she sat up and ran her hands over her face.

“I have got to get out of here.’ She said looking over at Wanda. “Let’s go into the facility. I can run the track and work some of this out.”

Wanda nodded and they headed into the house. Nat and Sam were sitting on the couch with a beer.

“Y/N wants to go into the facility.” She said and they looked at each other.

“Okay, sure.” Sam said looking at Y/N who turned and went upstairs. She washed her face and grabbed an overnight bag. Maybe she just needed a break from this place.

Y/N decided to stay at the facility for now. Sam agreed to take care of everything at the house while Y/N worked out what she was going through. She moved into one of the spare rooms on the Avengers floor and spent a lot of time in the training room. Nat and Wanda were happy she was there because they were able to go down throughout the day and bring her food, ensuring at she ate something. She tended to stay to herself a lot the first week, barely talking to anyone and anytime she wasn’t training she was in her room.  
It was during the second week she started going on as many missions as possible. The only way she knew how to get through this was to throw herself into work. However in doing so she started to slowly spiral out of control. She became reckless and was continuously putting herself at risk of being hurt.

One day after she finished a particularly bloody mission, she was in the change room washing up when Nate walked in.

“Hey Y/L/N” Nate said and Y/N looked up at him

“Nate. Listen I am really not in the mood for your flirty banter so if you are here to ask me out once again, I am afraid the answer is a solid no.” Y/N snapped

“No actually, I just wanted to come and see how you are doing. You haven’t been yourself lately and after that mission….” She whipped her head around and glared at him

“What about that mission?” Y/N snapped.

“Are you kidding me” He was starting to get angry with her “You ran directly into a building, alone might I add, that we knew was flush with agents. You could have gotten yourself killed! Plus you also put the rest of us at risk.”

Y/N looked down ashamed “I’m sorry Nate, you’re right I am not myself right now. I have had…. a rough couple of weeks.”

“I figured as much, but seriously if you continue acting this way you are going to get yourself killed.” Nate said putting his hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not trying to get hurt and I am really not trying to get the team hurt. I just need to feel anything but this gut wrenching pain I feel all the time.” Tears fell from her eyes.

“Hey, I know that. Listen if you ever want to talk about it, I am a really great listener.” He looked over at her and smiled “I even promise not to hit on you or ask you out again until you are back to your old self.”

Y/N let out a long sigh and then brushed away a tear. “I’m sorry but I’m just not ready to talk about it yet. I appreciate your concern though.”

“Of course, just know that I am here if you need me.” Nate said and he got up and left.

For the next few weeks Nate continued to check in on Y/N. He stayed true to his word and didn’t ask her out or even flirt with her. He was just there for her as a friend and she appreciated that. She started acting more and more like herself; however deep down she was still suffering. Every time she had a moment to think she thought of Bucky. She was finally able to go whole days without crying but Bucky had broken her heart. She didn’t know why he did it, and she didn’t know when the pain would stop but she did know this, when Bucky came home he would never see her cry.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky and Steve had been on mission for the last three weeks. Almost every day of those three weeks Bucky had had the same nightmare. 

He was standing in his Winter Soldier uniform complete with the muzzle. There were men on either side of him but they weren’t constraining him they were just there. In front of him stood a man he had never seen before and he was laughing.

“You thought you could get away from us. You thought after all you have done you could live a normal life. How wrong you were. You are and always will be Hydra’s Asset.”

Bucky stood staring at the man unable to move. He was once again a prisoner in his own mind.

“Say it. Say I am The Winter Soldier.” The man demanded of Bucky

“I am The Winter Soldier.” He obeyed.

“Good now as punishment for your insubordination we have a new mission for you.” The man said and he waved his hand calling someone over. Behind him two men entered the room dragging a hooded prisoner between them. The unknown man went over and removed the hood revealing Y/N’s bloody and bruised face. She looked up at him and let out a sob.

“Bucky” she called out, her voice rough. The man took a step back to kick Y/N in the ribs, she tried to conjure a shield but was too weak. He made contact and this caused her to cry out and slump forward. He then grabbed her hair and pulled her head back so she was looking directly at Bucky. 

“Sorry love, Bucky Barnes doesn’t exist anymore. There is only the Winter Soldier now.” He laughed and Y/N shook her head. Bucky was going crazy inside his mind, yelling to Y/N that he was here, that he would save her, but she couldn’t hear him. The man walked over to him and handed him a gun.

“You know what to do Asset.” He stood back and Bucky looked at the gun, then looking at Y/N he lifted the gun and shot her without hesitation. Her lifeless body fell to the floor and the man was laughing beside Bucky.

“Excellent, now take him and wipe him of all his memories.” He barked and the men beside Bucky grabbed him and strapped him to the machine.

It always left him drenched in sweat and in a state of panic, worse than he usually was after a nightmare. He had been having this dream since the day Y/N had left on her mission. After that night he was depressed, irritable and being a total ass to Steve. He knew that he should back off but he couldn’t. The dream made him realize that he couldn’t be with Y/N. She was someone Hydra would hurt to get to him, or worse he would hurt her himself. He had been so stupid to let himself fall for her. It was selfish of him, just being close to him put her in danger and he couldn’t let it continue. He knew he had to push her away, no matter how much it hurt him. He also knew he had to be final about it. The more she hated him, the better off she was.

It nearly killed him when he broke her heart. He almost wasn’t able to say the words, but all he had to do was remember Y/N’s lifeless body on the ground and he was able to continue. When it was done he couldn’t make himself stay to watch her cry, so he ended up leaving the room and wandered around the streets until it got dark. When he came home he could hear Y/N crying in her room. For a long time, he had sat outside the door listening to her. As much as it pained him, he felt like he should stay. He was just as heartbroken as she was and this way he felt like neither one of them were suffering alone. There were several moments that he had to stop himself from breaking down her door and scooping her up into his arms. At one point he actually knocked on her door, just to hear her voice however realizing what he just did, he went into his room and closed the door cursing himself for his stupidity. After that he avoided leaving his own room as much as he could. The only time he would go close to Y/N’s room was to slip granola bars under her door, figuring she hadn’t eaten anything in a while. He was glad when they were able to leave on the mission, it would give Y/N the time and space she needed.

The mission had been hell for him. Steve was worried about him and kept trying to get him to talk about it, although Bucky always refused. In the beginning they sat in silence unless they had to talk about the mission and even then it was tense. Bucky had a continuing sense of hopelessness that he couldn’t shake. He was distracted and couldn’t focus on the mission, but Steve never said anything about it. They managed to complete the mission early, despite Bucky’s lack of effort and were planning on leaving the next day.

That night Bucky woke up after again having that terrible nightmare and Steve was sitting next to him on the bed.

“Bucky, you have to talk about this. It is only going to get worse and worse if you don’t deal with it.” Steve’s voice was tired and he was rubbing the back of his neck. Bucky realized that Steve was exhausted; this situation was taking a toll on him as well and Bucky instantly felt bad.

“Steve, I know you are worried about me but don’t be. I have been having nightmares for quite some time now. As long as I have got you watching my back, I will be ok.” Bucky said and put on his best fake smile for Steve.

“No, Buck you won’t be. I will of course always have your back, but these dreams…. they are different and you know it. They are about Y/N aren’t they?” 

“How did you know?” Bucky asked

“You always cry out her name.” He explained and Bucky nodded his head. Steve glanced over at him “Is that what happened? You told her about your nightmare and she got scared?” he questioned. Bucky looked over at Steve and decided to be honest with him.

“No, I didn’t tell her about the nightmare.” Then he smirked slightly “It wouldn’t have stopped her from being with me if I had. You know how stubborn she is.” Bucky looked over at him reluctant to continue but knowing he had to. “It is however is what made me see that I can’t be with her. She would never be safe around me Steve. I still have a legitimate concern about Hydra and being with me would just put her on their radar. There is also an all too real possibility that I would hurt her unintentionally. I couldn’t risk that. She is better off hating me, at least that way she is safe.”

Steve sat for a moment looking at Bucky and then shook his head.

“You were happy Buck. You were happy for the first time in God knows how long. You should have at least talked to her about it, told her about the dream.” Steve leaned back so he was resting against the wall. “How did she not know? She could have easily just looked into your thoughts.”

“I ah, I just repeated one sentence over and over again. I also think she was distracted by the whole ‘I’m just go ahead and break your heart now’ situation. Plus I made her feel really shitty about reading my thoughts.” Bucky shuffled back on the bed so that he was leaning against the wall as well. “I just couldn’t bare it if something were to happen to her. I got scared because she means so much to me and it happened so fast that I didn’t stop and think about what was best for her.”

Steve sighed “Bucky, she is a trained agent and she has her abilities. You and I both know she can handle herself in the field so if there is anyone who could take on the risk of dating you wouldn’t it be her? Don’t you think ending it with her hurt her more than any cut or bruise would?”

“I am not talking about cuts or bruises here Steve. I am talking about death or something even worse. They would take her and rip out her soul, make her forget who she is. They would take away everything that makes her Y/N and replace it with a monster.” Bucky snapped

“Bucky that won’t happen to her, you wouldn’t let it.” Steve responded gently. Bucky didn’t answer, instead choosing to play with the hem on the bedspread. “What are you going to do when we get home?” Steve pressed.

“Nothing. Everything will go back to the way it was.” Bucky knew that was not the reality of the situation, but he didn’t want to think about it right now. “Listen I’m tired, let’s try and sleep for a few more hours.”

Steve got up and left the room. Bucky lay on his back, staring at the ceiling hoping and praying he had the strength to face Y/N.

It was a day off for most of the team so they were scattered around the facility doing various activities. Y/N, Wanda, Nat and Maria went into the city for some much needed girl time. When they returned they were all exhausted and took a short nap before everyone gathered in the common room for movie night. Sam had gone down to pay for the pizza so Y/N and Wanda were playing Jenga using their powers and various items around the living room. Nat was cheering on Wanda and advising her of what object to pick next and Nate was doing the same for Y/N. Pietro sat on the third couch, impatiently waiting for the food. 

“I should have went and gotten it myself. He is too slow.” Pietro muttered.

“Piet, you made a huge deal about not being the one to go get the pizza. Now you are complaining. Brother you are a pain.” She laughed as she made a magazine balance on the top of large teetering pile of objects.

“But seriously how long does it take to say: ‘Thank you for the pizza. Here is my money. Bye.” Pietro complained and Y/N laughed.

“He actually has been gone for a while.” Y/N was balancing a decorative bowl on top of Wanda’s magazine and she was biting her lip in concentration. “Friday, can you please let us know where Agent Wilson is?”

“Yes Miss” the AI answered “He just got off the elevator on this floor and is headed this way.”

“Wilson” Y/N shouted “You better hurry up before Pietro dies from starvation.”

“Very funny Y/L/N, but my metabolism…..” Pietro started and Wanda let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Is like a million times faster than yours” Wanda finished his sentence. “We know you talk about it ALL THE TIME!” At this the pile of items toppled over to the ground and Y/N and Nate started cheering.

“I win!!” Y/N said pumping her fists in the air. She turned to Nate and gave him a high five.

“Unfair Y/N, Wanda got distracted by Pietro. Your win doesn’t count.” Nat said with her hands on her hips.

“Does to!” Nate said standing up to defend Y/N. She put her hand on his chest.

“Dude, you can’t take her. She will kill you!” Y/N pushed him back down onto couch.

“True story Nate.” Nat winked at him and he smiled at her.

“Oh but I would have fun trying.” He winked back and she laughed.

Sam then walked into the room looking bashful. “Hey guys, I have pizza. As well, look who I found!” His forced enthusiasm was noticeable and they all looked to the doorway. Steve and Bucky came around the corner awkwardly. Everyone stopped and stared not knowing what to say or do. Y/N’s body tensed at the sight of Bucky and her knees almost gave out. Nate reached over and placed a hand on the back of Y/N’s leg to steady her. His touch brought her back from the brink and she put on a smile.

“Hey! You’re back early.” She walked over and gave Steve a big hug and then looked at Bucky. He was staring at her but she ignored the sick feeling in her stomach and gave him a weak smile.

“How was your mission?” she said looking at Steve. 

“It was fine.” He answered and looked around the room. “You guys look like you’re having fun.”

“Yeah um…pizza, beer and movies. You know the old standby for days off.” Nat piped in and Y/N walked back over to the couch and sat down next to Nate. He reached over and squeezed her leg letting her know she did well. She looked over at him and smiled. Bucky continued to watch her from the doorway.

“So are you guys going to hang around or are you going to head home?” Sam asked trying to ease the tension in the room.

“I think we should…” Steve started but Bucky interrupted him.

“We’ll stay.”

Steve looked over at him and raised his eyebrows. Bucky shrugged.

“Yeah I guess we will stay. What movie are you guys watching?” Steve asked as him and Bucky went over and sat on the couch next to Pietro.

“Well it was Y/N’s turn so she picked…” Wanda started, once again Bucky interrupted

“Y/F/M”

“Um yeah.” Wanda confirmed and looked over at Y/N.

Y/N shook her head and sighed. “What the hell is he doing?” She asked Wanda telepathically.

“I have no idea. I know you won’t look into his thoughts so do you want me to look?” Wanda asked back the same way and Y/N shook her head once. She had made the decision to stay out of Bucky’s head for good after what happened. Wanda looked at her with concern and then telepathically gave her some words of encouragement. “Don’t let him get under your skin.”

Y/N took a deep breath and steadied herself.

“I may or may not have watched this movie about a hundred times.” She joked out loud and then shrugged her shoulders. “What? It’s a great movie.”

Nate, who had not said anything up to this point, saw that Y/N was struggling and jumped in.

“It better be Y/L/N because after the movie you picked last time you owe us a good one.” He teased her and she laughed.

“I don’t think we have met yet.” Steve said and Y/N looked over at him. He seemed angry.

“This is Nate.” She informed him

“Hello Nate. I’m Captain Steven Rogers, and this is Sergeant James ‘Bucky’ Barnes.” He said sharply and Y/N almost laughed at how ridiculous he was being. She had never heard him introduce himself that way let alone how he introduced Bucky.

“It is an honor to meet you both.” Nate said graciously

“I’m sure it is” Steve replied and at that Y/N let out a laughed.

“Alright enough nonsense can we eat?” Pietro said impatiently.

“Yes Pietro we can eat. I will go grab the plates.” Y/N replied

“I’ll help you.” Steve said and they headed into the kitchen. Y/N opened the cupboard and grabbed the plates.

“So are you going to tell me what’s got your panties in a knot?” she asked turning around to grab the napkins.

“Why is Nate here? Are you dating him?” He asked getting right to the point.

“Is that really any of your business?” Y/N turned and placed the napkins on the counter then stood tall looking Steve in the eyes.

“It is when what you do affects my friend.” He countered and Y/N glared at him

“Neither you or Bucky have any say in who I am dating. And furthermore, please keep in mind that he is the one that ended it with me, not the other way around.”

“So you are dating him!” Steve barked and Y/N clenched her fist.

“If you must know, no I am not dating Nate. He has been a good friend to me these last few weeks. That’s all. However don’t you try and convince me that seeing me date Nate would have any effect on Bucky what so ever.”

“You are wrong about that; he is a mess Y/N. He ended it with you because he was scared you would get hurt, not because he didn’t have feelings for you. How are you okay? I thought you cared for Bucky? I mean look at him Y/N!! He was a broken man before but now…”

“Steve enough! What the fuck do you want me to do with that? Honestly no, you know what I don’t believe you. Bucky seemed to be pretty sure of what he was saying when he brutally broke my heart. It has taken me three fucking weeks just to make it through the day without breaking down physically or emotionally. You think I am okay? I am not!! I just started to be able to act like I am fine and make it convincing. So take your interfering and shove it up your ass.” And with that she walked back into the living room.


	6. Chapter 6

Y/N stayed at the facility for the rest of the week. She was leaving on a mission with Clint that Friday so it only made sense. She had run into Steve several times at the facility but did what she does best and ignored him. Bucky though, in the week since he had been back she had only seen him the night he returned. Deep down, she wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing. In a way she wanted to see him, even though she knew it would hurt, she had to get over this somehow and seeing him sporadically was not going to do it.

The night before she was going to leave on her mission she was in the training room running the track. It was late at night and she had the whole training room to herself. This allowed her to have Friday put her music on the loud speakers instead of putting in her earphones. She was pushing herself hard which she usually did when she had a mission, plus she had a lot that she was working out still. She knew she would have to move back into the house after this mission and having Bucky there was going to be hard. Was she going to be able to help him with his nightmares again? Would she honestly be able to ignore what happened between them and eventually be able to see him without feeling like she got punched in the gut? Could she forgive him? All questions that she needed to answer. She was sick of thinking about it though so she concentrated on her breathing and ran even harder. By the time she was finished she had over done it but it felt good. She stepped onto the matted area of the training room and her legs gave out from under her causing her to collapse onto the ground. Instead of trying to get up she laid there catching her breath listening to the beat of the music. She had her eyes closed but had a weird feeling and when she opened her eyes she was face to face with Bucky, causing her to scream.

“Are you okay?” He asked with panic in his voice.

“I’m fine. What the hell are you doing? You scared the shit out of me.” She sat up rubbing her chest.

“I saw you collapse and I thought something was wrong.” Bucky said looking at her concerned.

“I just got off the track; I ran a bit hard and decided to take a break. How long have you been in here?” She asked getting up grabbing her water bottle.

“I just got here; usually this place is empty at this time so I like to come and work out some of my resentment on the equipment.” He explained. Y/N nodded her head.

“Ok well I will leave you to it.” She said and went to walk out of the training room.

“You are leaving on a mission tomorrow right? That’s why you are here?” “Bucky asked trying to extend their interaction.

“Yes, but I too like to work out my resentment in here.” She said shooting him a pained look.

“Oh.” Bucky said “I am sorry…… for what Steve said to you in the kitchen. He shouldn’t have said what he said.”

“You are right about that.” She replied and turned to start walking towards the door again. She was nearly there when he spoke again

“Please be careful on your mission.” He said so quietly she barely heard it. 

She left without saying anything. 

It was supposed to be a quick in and out mission, they believed that they would be able to go in, take out the base, leave and the whole mission would take them one day tops. How wrong they were. They were at the end of the second day and in serious trouble. The whole thing had been a trap and Hydra managed to pin down Y/N and Clint along with the rest of their team, consisting of two agents, in an abandoned building. They were outnumbered and running low on ammo. Hydra had managed to not only take out their jet but took out their coms system as well. They were stranded with no way to communicate with home base.

“Clint, we have to do something.” Y/N said peering out the window.

“I know. I’m working on it.” He responded

“Listen I have my cell. I will run up over that hill back there and try and get a signal. I know they are jamming all signals but that can only carry so far.” Y/N said pointing behind the building.

“Are you nuts?! This place is crawling with agents; you won’t even make it out of the door let alone all the way over that hill.” Clint barked

“Yes I will. I can shield myself, and I can run.” She said and Clint looked up at her unconvinced.

“Y/N I don’t know. That is really risky.” Clint was thinking about their situation though and they really didn’t have many other options.

“I will make it.” She gave him a crooked smile. “And if I don’t, it won’t jeopardize your chances of getting out of here. What other option do we have Clint, we are going to run out of ammo soon and then it is only a matter of time.” She was already strapping her vest on and placing her knives in their various compartments. She turned and handed her guns to the agents. She walked over and put her hand on Clint’s shoulder. “I’m going Clint. If I am not back by morning and no one has come to help assume the worst and come up with a way to get the rest of the team out of here.” She didn’t wait for him to respond before she threw up a shield and ran out the door.

They started shooting at her instantly but her shield protected her. She ran harder than she had ever run before but that didn’t stop the bullets from continuing to ping off her shield. If only Pietro was here, he would have had her over that hill and half way home by now. She had made it a third of the way up the hill when they started gaining on her.

“You can do this” She chanted to herself.

She knew her shield would eventually falter due to lack of energy but all she had to do was make the call, after that it didn’t matter what happened to her as long as the team was safe. She continued to navigate over the rough terrain, stumbling frequently but always getting up and continuing on. Her lungs were burning and her legs were growing tired yet she kept going. Once she crested the hill she looked down at her phone. Seeing that she still didn’t have any signal she took a deep breath and started running down the hill. She was disappointed to say the least. There was a clearing up ahead and she hoped she would get the signal there. Concentrating on her breathing she closed her eyes momentarily, and then pushed on. When she got to the middle of the clearing she looked again at her phone. One bar!! She had never seen anything so beautiful before in her life. She punched in the number for the emergency line. Her shield was still holding however the Hydra agents were now surrounding her and eventually she knew it would give out. When they finally answered her call they put her through to Maria in the coms room.

“Y/L/N. What is going on we haven’t been able to get through to you guys since you left.”

“Hill, they took out our jet and jammed our coms. We are at 44.1733° N, 28.6383° E. Send back up immediately. It was” she paused to catch her breath “It was a trap. The team is pinned down in an abandoned building. Get to them quick, I don’t think they will last much longer.” She was breathless and tired, but she had done what she needed to do.

“Y/N its Steve, what about you, where are you?” Steve’s voice sounded panicked and she felt tears stinging her eyes.

“Steve, what are you doing there?” Her shield was starting to fail and there were agents all around her.

“We are all here, we have been worried sick. Now tell us where you are.” Steve pleaded.

“Steve, someone had to find a way to get help. I have a shield up but it is going to fail soon. I am surrounded by agents so when it does they are either going to kill me, or take me prisoner. Either way things are looking a little bleak for me, so make me a promise. Your first priority is Clint and the team. Do you understand?” She said looking at the agents surrounding her. They had their guns pointed at her and they were yelling at her to put the phone down.

“Y/N, we will get you all out. Now tell us where you are goddammit” Steve shouted

“Steve, promise me you will save Clint. Otherwise I did this for nothing.” She said as put the last of her remaining energy into her shield. 

“Y/N, it is Bucky. We will save Clint but I promise you we will save you too. I will find you.” He declared. Hearing Bucky’s voice made Y/N let out a sob.

“No Buck, you stay safe. Steve, keep him out of this, I’m not worth him getting captured again.” Her shield then failed. “Well looks like my time is up. It’s been a blast guys. Goodbye” She said and looked around dropping the phone and crushing it under her boot. She took out her knives and stared at the agents.

“Okay boys let’s fucking do this!” She was weak and knew she couldn’t last long but she was damned if they were going to take her willingly and she was going to take out as many of these bastards as she could.

“You stupid girl, you are completely surrounded. Give up your weapons and we will make sure you don’t suffer to badly.” A large man said to her

“Well, that is a tempting offer, but I am going to have to decline.” Y/N retorted and rearranged her stance to fight.

A man on her left came at her first; she kicked out his knee and jammed her knife into his chest.

‘One down, a hell of a lot more to go’ she thought to herself.

Then they started coming at her all at once. She had always wondered why in the movies they would show the bad guys coming in for battle one at a time, as if they were offering a fair fight. That never happened.

She managed to take out four of them before they got her on the ground.

The big man stood in front of her and laughed, he raised his hand a Y/N felt a sharp pain in the back of her head. Then there was nothing.

In the coms room they heard Y/N say goodbye and then the phone cut out. Bucky let out a frustrated scream and kicked a chair across the room causing a loud crash.

“We have got to go, get as much gear gathered as you can and meet at the jet.” Steve said to the team and they all scrambled out of the room leaving Bucky, Hill and Steve.

“Hill alert Fury as to what is going on?” He commanded and she nodded her head leaving the room.

“Bucky, hey look at me.” Steve said “She is right; if you come we risk them taking you again. I won’t let you jeopardize your freedom when we can do this without you. There are enough team members…..”

“Steve, I am coming and you are not stopping me.” Bucky interjected

“Bucky you heard her, it is what she wanted.” Steve pleaded

“I don’t give a damn what she said, I’m coming end of story.” Bucky said sharply. Steve knew he wouldn’t be able to stop him so he gave up.

“Fine, but Bucky please, don’t be reckless. I know that this is upsetting for you, that this is everything you have feared but getting yourself captured or killed will not help Y/N. As well you have to accept now that there is a possibility that we won’t find her, and if we do there is also a possibility that she will be….” Steve couldn’t bring himself to say it but Bucky understood what he was trying to say.

“She’s not dead Steve. I refuse to believe that. Now we are wasting time let’s go.” 

When they got to the jet, the team was waiting for them. Nat and Steve were going through the plan of extraction for Clint and his team. They knew the team was surrounded and outnumbered so they had to be quick about it. Bucky sat in silence in the corner and Wanda walked over and sat next to him.

“Let’s start off by clarifying that you know that I have a similar gift to Y/N’s and there is no point in denying anything I say. Understood?” Wanda said bluntly. Bucky didn’t respond so she continued.

“I am going to take your silence as understanding. So, I will start off by letting you know that I know what you did. I know why you ended it with Y/N and it wasn’t because you are a total asshole who just wanted sex. I had a feeling when she told me what you said and I confirmed it the moment you came back from your mission and I saw in your thoughts how much you still felt for her. Now where I understand your reasoning for it, it was a dumb ass decision that ended up being pointless anyways given the situation.”

At that Bucky snapped his head up and glared at her. Unfazed Wanda persisted. “Now something that you are going to have to do is get over yourself right here and now. What happened on this mission, with Y/N has nothing to do with you and even though it is what you always feared you have to push those thoughts out of your head, otherwise you are no good to her or the team. Now we have been given orders to make Clint and the teams extraction our first priority, however I know that you are going to ignore that order and go after Y/N and I’m going with you.”

“No you are not. I work alone.” Bucky declared.

“Yes I am, because I can find her. Where ever she is, I can find her and fast. I refuse to believe that she is dead and I know that even though you won’t admit it, you love her and because of that you refuse to believe she is dead too. So are we clear?”

Bucky sat and thought about it before responding. She was right they didn’t have time to be searching all over the place for Y/N, and if Wanda could use her abilities to find her quickly then he had to allow her to come. “Fine.”

“Alright then, good chat.” She got up and went back over to sit next to Pietro.

Wanda had been right about almost everything she said, but she was wrong about one thing.

He had admitted to himself that he loved Y/N.


	7. Chapter 7

Y/N had always liked the feeling she had after she just woke up. Often she would lie in bed for up to an hour after waking up, enjoying the sunshine and the warmth of her bed. It was a quiet, peaceful feeling that she enjoyed thoroughly. This was not one of those times. It was dark, her head was killing her and she felt cold metal around her neck. So they decided not to kill her. She couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She reached up and felt the back of her head. Her fingers were met with a huge bump and dried blood in her hair. She winced at the pain and then she ran her hands down to feel the metal cuff around her neck; it had a chain attached to it which was anchoring her to the ground in the middle of the room. She tried to stand up but the injury to her head made her dizzy so she sat back down and looked around the room. There was nothing to see as it was completely empty except her, chained to the ground. 

“Well this sucks.” She muttered to herself.

The door opened and two men walked in, one of them was the large man from the field.

“You are awake. Good, we have some questions for you.” He said and she looked up at him. This was going to be unpleasant. She took a peak in his head, and saw nothing but carnage, and the need to cause pain. She knew it was pointless to conjure a shield, it would eventually fail and they would still get to her.

“I bet you do. Although I am not sure you are going to like my answers.” Y/N responded

“Who did you call when you were in the field?” He asked

“See now you know I am not going to tell you that, but A+ for effort.” She responded.

“I was counting on you being a stubborn bitch.” And at that he walked over, dragged her into a standing position and punched her in the stomach. “How many are coming?”

“I’ve still got nothing for you big guy.” Y/N responded and he punched her in the jaw.

“How about we talk about the Winter Soldier?” He asked and Y/N visibly flinched, she then cursed herself

“Never heard of him.” She said and then she spit a mouth full of blood on the floor.

“Oh but I think you have.” He hit her in the stomach again

“Why don’t we cut out the bullshit and you just beat on me until you are satisfied you asshole.” She remarked and he smiled.

“Oh if only that was how it worked.” He then leaned in and whispered in her ear “Because I would like nothing more than to beat you to death right here and now.”

She laughed and then head-butted him, breaking his nose. “I bet you would you deprave fucker.”

“You bitch.” He then slammed his foot down on her leg shattering the bone. She screamed and fell to the floor. “You killed five of my men, now you get to pay for that.” He proceeded to beat her until she fell unconscious once again. 

As soon as the jet landed and the doors opened, Bucky and Wanda headed to the right when the rest of the team headed to the left. Wanda couldn’t read Y/N yet but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t here. Steve knew what Bucky was going to do so Nat and he agreed that they had enough agents to rescue Clint and his team while she would follow them. They headed towards the base taking out Hydra agents as they went. When they finally reached the building Wanda picked up a faint read off Y/N.

“She is here, I can barely feel her, but she is here. I think she is this way.” She pointed down a hall way and was about to run down it when Bucky grabbed her arm.

“What do you mean you think?” He snapped

“Bucky, what I am feeling….it is extremely weak and tremendously hard to read. It will get stronger, the closer we get. Now let’s go.” She pulled her arm out of his grasp and headed down the hallway.

Out of nowhere five Hydra agents appeared ready to fight. Nat laughed and then went at them; Bucky let out a deep growl and was right behind her. They disposed of the agents quickly while Wanda focused on locating Y/N with her powers.

They got to the end of the hall and they had two options, go left or go right. Wanda stood there for a moment and then turned left.

“Something is wrong. She…..we have to get to her quickly.” She started running down the hall and stopped in front of a door. She pushed the door open and stopped dead in her tracks. Bucky and Nat were beside her but she was blocking there view.

“Jesus Christ.” She whispered and then turned to Bucky. “She’s not here.”

“What is it Wanda?” Nat asked and Wanda shook her head

“It’s nothing. Come on lets go.” And she tried to shut the door but Bucky stopped her. “Bucky don’t.” She pleaded but he pushed past her.

What he saw made his knees weak. He saw the chain and the cuff and then he saw the blood. There was so much of it.

“Where is she?” He shouted at Wanda and she shook her head.

Suddenly from a floor above them they heard a scream. This wasn’t a frightened scream, this was a painful scream and it belonged to Y/N.

Wanda collapsed on the ground, crying out and grabbed her head. “They are hurting her.” Bucky took off running but Wanda looked at Nat “She is warning me, it’s a trap.”

“Yeah, he knows. It won’t stop him” Nat said and took off after Bucky

Y/N didn’t know how long she had been out this time but she was really getting sick of waking up this way. She tried to open her eyes but it was a struggle. One of her eyes was swollen shut and she clearly had a concussion. From what she could tell her nose was broken, as was her leg and several ribs. She had a busted lip and many cuts and bruised muscles.

‘Damn that asshole really did a number on me.’ She thought and then tried to focus her one good eye on her surroundings. She was lying on a concrete floor in a new room; the cuff had been removed from her neck and she wasn’t bound. There were a large number of men in the room with her; almost all of them were Hydra brutes (including her large friend from the field). They were armed and ready to fight. There was an odd man though; he was wearing a suit and pacing the room. The agents were looking at him like he was in charge and he scared her more than the brutes. She groaned and pushed herself up into a sitting position.

“If I were you, I would stay down.” The man in the suit said and she laughed

“Well you don’t know me, I am pretty damn stubborn. Now is this entire fan fair for me? Because if it is, honestly you shouldn’t have.” She reached up and grabbed her side. She was in a lot of pain. He didn’t answer her and she licked her swollen lip. “You know, I don’t believe I have met you yet.”

“Why don’t you call me ‘Alexi’.” He said to her then looked at her closely. “Actually you know what, I am glad you are awake. It will speed up this process.” He then nodded his head and the big man walked over to her and put his foot on her broken leg.

“Scream for me darling. Call your little friends up here.” He said and then began applying pressure to the broken bone. That is when she realized she was bait.

“Yeah, not going to happen you fucking dick.” Y/N spat but he pressed down harder. She clenched her teeth and prayed she would have the strength to keep her mouth shut.

“Break her arm,” Alexi commanded and she glared at him. Before she knew it the large man grabbed her arm and snapped it back breaking her forearm. She tried to hold the scream in, she tried so hard, but it hurt so badly. As soon as she the scream escaped her lips she sent a message out telepathically to Wanda, hoping she was one of the team members in the building. However her powers were weak and it was likely it never made it to her.

“Good girl. Now we wait.” The large man said and then walked away from her. They were all staring at the door waiting for something to happen. Y/N continued to chant the message ‘don’t come in here, it’s a trap’ to Wanda telepathically. Suddenly she heard fighting outside the door and then the door flew open. Wanda was first in the room and, having the same ability as Y/N, she threw up a shield to reflect any bullets coming their way, Nat was behind her and started taking out the shooters. Y/N closed her eyes and prayed that Bucky wasn’t with them, but her prayers went unanswered and he was the last one to enter the room. His eyes darted around the room until they landed on Y/N and his face hardened. He then looked at the agents and threw himself at them in a blind rage, blocking any bullets with his metal arm. When he was close enough he started hammering his fists down on them one by one. Nat had her hands full with two of the agents in the corner and Wanda, who had looked into the big guys head and saw what he had done, was using her abilities to pull his mind apart, making him suffer badly. While they were distracted Alexi made his way over to Y/N and yanked her up to her feet. She cried out in pain and tried to keep her weight on her good leg. When all the agents were finally down Bucky turned to see Y/N with the knife pressed to her throat.

“You must be the Winter Soldier.” Alexi spoke and Bucky snarled at him. “While you are the famous Black Widow and you are the Scarlet Witch. Looks like they sent the best of the best for our girl here.” He pressed the knife harder against Y/N’s throat and she grimaced.

“Let her go asshole” Nat demanded and Alexi laughed.

“Or what? You’ll kill me? I’m in a room surrounded by three of the Avengers. I am not stupid enough to think that I stand any chance of walking out of this room.”

“What do you want?” Wanda asked and he looked at her and smiled.

“You know there are these old legends amongst us Hydra agents, well the ones that matter anyways, that back in the beginning the Soviets planted a word into the Winter Soldier’s mind. A word that would shut him down and cause him to revert back to his shall we say ‘factory settings’. The only problem is it is a one-time deal, so everyone was forbidden to use it, saving it only for the really important people in the organization. You see though I have always wanted to try it, regardless of the consequences. And if I am going out anyways, I might as well go out with a bang right?” Alexi looked at Bucky and smiled.

“Bucky” Y/N screamed “GO!”

“Shut it.” Alexi pressed the knife harder and droplets of blood started running down her neck. “So ‘Bucky’……” Alexi started.

Everything happened at once then. Wanda grabbed Bucky’s arm and tried to drag him from the room, Nat raised her gun to take out Alexi and Y/N pushed the knife off of her neck cutting her hand. It was all too late though.

“Sputnik”

As soon as the word left his lips, Nat took her shot, killing Alexi instantly and Bucky fell to the ground.

“Bucky” Y/N shouted and she hobbled her way over to him, collapsing on the ground next to him. “No no no no. Bucky come on please wake up. Please be my Bucky still. Fight it Bucky, come on you can do this.”

“Y/N, look at me.” Nat said and Y/N looked up at her. “If he wakes up and he is…..the Winter Soldier again, he is a weapon and he will be dangerous. You have to know if this is the case, I am going to have to prevent him from hurting us, by whatever means necessary.”

“Nat, I love you but I strongly suggest that you get the fuck away from him. I will handle this. If you have to, you leave the damn room but if you do anything to him we will have a serious problem here.” Y/N said angrily. 

Y/N felt a sudden surge of adrenaline and looked down at Bucky again. She looked into his head but she saw nothing.

“Come on Bucky, please.” Y/N leaned over and put her hand on his chest and started rubbing it like she did when he would have a nightmare.

Gradually he started to come out of it and Y/N kept her focus on his mind. He looked up at her; however she still could not see anything in his thoughts. Everything was scrambled and fuzzy. Without warning he jumped up and pointed his gun at her. She instinctively threw a shield up surrounding her and Bucky blocking Nat from doing something drastic. 

“Where am I? Who the hell are you?” He barked at her and she felt her heart sink

“Hey look at me, you know me.” Y/N pleaded for him to remember her.

“No I don’t.”


	8. Chapter 8

Y/N knew she didn’t have a lot of time, she was in extremely rough shape and she wasn’t going to last long. At this point she was running purely on adrenaline. She needed to keep her shield up though, for Bucky. She had begged Wanda telepathically to call Steve and get him here as fast as she could. Y/N just hoped she could last that long.

“Okay, we can do this” She reached up and wiped the sweat off her forehead. “Your name is Bucky and you are safe. I am a friend.”

“A friend? I don’t have friends. Why am I here?” Bucky was frightened and anxious, however the gun remained steady in his hand, pointed at Y/N’s head.

“You came for me.” Y/N said

“I did this to you?” He asked motioning at her injuries

“No, you are not that kind of person anymore. You came to rescue me from the people…..” She stopped and readjusted herself, trying to take a deep breath. “from the people who did this to me. I am protecting you now, from our people, with a shield. It is my ability…..but I won’t last very much longer. I just hope that I can hold on until Steve gets here.” 

“Why are you protecting me?” He asked looking over at Nat and Wanda

“They think you will hurt us. I don’t.” Y/N said and again shifting her body so she could breathe. 

“I have a gun pointed at your head. I could easily shoot you right now and no one would be able to stop me.” He said looking at her intently

“You won’t” Y/N said simply

“You don’t know that.” Bucky retorted and she smiled.

“Yes I do. Listen Buck we don’t have much time.”

“What do you mean we don’t have much time?” He frantically began looking around

“I need you to look at me.” He reluctantly looked down at her “I am so sorry Bucky. For so much. But mostly for what happened between us. I shouldn’t have let you push me away. I should have known you were scared. You need to know that I love you. I love you so much and even though that means nothing to you right now, I needed you to hear me say it. You have so much good in you; please fight this. I know that my Bucky is in there somewhere. So you fight this. Come back to me.” She closed her eyes “Bucky remember this, no matter what happens, remember my words: You are ok…..I got you……You’re safe with me.” She was barely holding on at this point. The words she said, he had heard them before, and they were comforting. Bucky lowered his gun and went over to her.

“Who are you?” He whispered and she opened her eyes.

She reached up and cupped his face. In a flash he had memories of her. The first time he saw her, the first time he heard her laugh, the first time she came to him to comfort him after one of his nightmare, the first time they made love. “Do you see Buck?” She said softly.

“Y/N! How could I forget you?” He scooped her up into his arms and she cried out in pain. The shield fell around them and Nat and Wanda rushed forward.

“She’s unconscious Bucky.” Wanda informed him. He reached up and brushed the hair off of Y/N’s face. Just then Steve ran into the room.

“Bucky what is going on? Are you ok?” Steve knelt down next to him. Bucky looked at him for a while unable to place his name.

“St….Steve” He finally said looking back at Y/N. “She needs help. We have to help her.”

“We have to get her out to the jet Bucky. We can stabilize her there and then get her to the facility.” Steve explained. Bucky held Y/N closer to his chest.

“What facility?” He growled. Steve’s face fell. 

“The Avengers facility. Our facility.” Steve explained slowly.

Bucky thought for a moment and then his face changed to recognition “You can help her there right?” Bucky asked and Steve nodded his head sadly.

“Okay.”   
Bucky stood up holding Y/N and followed them out to the jet. He laid her down on the med table in the jet but refused to leave her side. Even though he was in their way, no one asked him to move. He sat and held Y/N’s hand the whole way home. Wanda had filled Steve in on what had happened, and told him that when she was reading Bucky, it was splintered incoherent thoughts, unless he was thinking about Y/N. Steve decided to leave Bucky be for now and assess the damage after they knew Y/N was going to be ok. After they got her back to the facility Helen took Y/N into the lab and refused to let Bucky in with her. He put up a fight and Nat ended up knocking him out cold. After that they moved him to a locked room until he woke up. Steve was angry about the situation but he couldn’t argue that Bucky was dangerous.

He was in the room with Bucky when he finally woke up.

“Hey Buck, how are you feeling?” Steve asked unsure that he even remembered who he was.

Bucky looked around the room with a blank face and then looked directly at Steve. “Where is Y/N?”

“She is in surgery. She had a lot of damage done to her Buck, they couldn’t even put her in the cradle yet because of the extent of her injuries.” Steve explained but Bucky looked at him confused.

“Cradle?” He asked and Steve dipped his head.

“Sorry, the cradle is a machine that can heal injuries really fast.” He figured the simpler he made his explanations the better.

“Am I being held prisoner?” Bucky asked and Steve looked at him.

“You scared a lot of people when you fought to follow Y/N into the lab. As well, your memories are faint at best. That is unless you are thinking about Y/N. Unfortunately that makes you unpredictable. They have decided to allow you to be able to leave this room, however you have to remain with me at all times. For now.” Steve clarified and Bucky looked up at him and then at the door. He sat for a moment and gathered his thoughts.

“We are friends right?” Bucky asked and Steve gave him a sad smile.

“Yeah, we are friends. We have known each other since we were children, we grew up together.” Steve explained. 

“It was………a very long time ago.” Bucky added and Steve nodded

“Yes it was.”

“I took care of you. You were sick a lot” Bucky said looking at Steve. His memories were confusing. The friend he took care of was weak. This man looked like he had never been sick before in his life. “And you would fight, A LOT. I had to take care of you then too.”

“Yes you did, and now it my turn to do the same for you.” Steve reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “Are you hungry?” Steve asked and Bucky shook his head. “Listen, I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat anything and Y/N would kick my butt if she didn’t think I was taking care of you. Why don’t we head down to the common room and grab a bite to eat? I can show you around and see if it brings back any memories.”

Bucky looked at him and considered it for a moment. “The minute that Y/N is out of surgery, we can go see her?”

“Yeah Buck, we will go see her as soon as they let us.” Steve answered.

“Fine then.” Bucky said and walked over to the door.

Steve took him around the facility and showed him places like the training room, that he knew would trigger memories for Bucky. They ended the tour in the common area. Everyone was in there waiting for news on Y/N and they all looked up at Steve when they entered the living room.

“Hey guys, so I am going to reintroduce Bucky to you all. He is sorry for what happened earlier and we promise it won’t happen again.” Steve explained to the group and they all nodded their heads. One by one Steve would tell Bucky their names and sometimes he would recognize a face, or the voice, or even the name but it was all very unclear still. The time came for him to introduce Wanda and Nat. Steve explained to Bucky that these were Y/N’s best friends. Wanda walked up first and he recognized her from before.

“Hello Bucky,” Then she leaned in and whispered “Don’t worry I’m the nice one.” which made Bucky smile.

“Hi….. Wanda.” Bucky looked up at her, there was something about her that he couldn’t put his finger on.

“Oh, I am like Y/N.” She explained knowing what he was thinking “I have abilities very similar to her.”

“Oh, okay.” Bucky then remembered that she helped him save Y/N. 

“And Bucky this is Nat.” Steve said and urged Nat forward although she continued to eye him suspiciously.

“Hello” Nat finally said

“Hello. Sorry for earlier” He said back and she nodded

“Sorry for knocking you out.” She replied

Fury and Maria walked into the room and Fury looked at Bucky then Steve. “You got this under control?” he asked and Steve nodded his head.

“Ok then, I have an update on Y/N. It is pretty bad.” Maria started “They broke the radius bone in her left arm, her tibia on her right leg was broken in several areas, her right orbital bone is fractured and she has a detached retina in that eye. Her nose is broken, and the same with 3 of her ribs. Not to mention the various cuts and bruises she sustained. They are currently setting the bones and using the portable cradle to stimulate bone growth, however they need to do this surgically and one at a time. They have fixed her eye and she won’t lose any vision, she has a concussion and a severe cut to of her hand. The good news is she is stable.”

Bucky felt sick. He hated thinking about her in that much pain.

“Now all of you get some rest. They will be at this all night. You will be able to see her sometime tomorrow.” Fury added then left the room.

Nat walked over to Clint who was having a particularly hard time with this and led him out of the room. Slowly they started leaving one by one until it was only Sam, Bucky and Steve.

“Are you guys going to come home?” Sam asked and Bucky looked at him for a few moments.

“We are…. We live in the same house. You make good coffee.” Bucky said and Sam smiled.

“Tell that to Y/N, she says my coffee is shit. So what’s the plan here Cap? I have to go home, I promised Y/N I would take care of the house and feed the dog.” Sam informed them.

“I want to stay.” Bucky said  
“Looks like we are staying Sam. I will call you if there are any updates.” Steve said

Bucky and Steve sat in the common room for the remainder of the night. They spent a lot of time talking. Steve went through everything that he and Bucky had been through together and Bucky started remembering his old life. He felt more comfortable around Steve and started asking him more and more questions. By morning Bucky had a better handle on things and felt more comfortable in his surroundings.

It was late afternoon when they finally let them in to see Y/N. Wanda and Bucky were the first two to go in and see her. When they got to her bed Wanda had to stop herself from sobbing. They had casted her leg and her arm even after they used the cradle on her, she had a bandage over her eye and she was covered in deep purple bruises. She was still unconscious so they sat next to the bed quietly. Bucky had reached over and was holding Y/N’s hand in his. He was looking at her Y/F/C finger nails and wondering if she had painted them before she left. He then looked over at her leg cast and saw that her toe nails were painted the same color. He wondered if she always painted her nails.

“We got manicures and pedicures a few weeks ago, Maria insisted on it while we were in the city.” Wanda told him and then she smiled. “Nat was strongly against it but Y/N made her feel guilty about not doing it. She told her it would make her feel better about……” Wanda stopped herself remembering who she was talking to.

“Better about what?” Bucky asked and Wanda looked at him sympathetically

“It was ah….it was right after you left on your mission, she was rather depressed.” Wanda told him.

“Because of…… what I did.” Bucky said and Wanda looked over at him curiously

“Do you remember?” She asked and he nodded his head

“Yeah, Steve and I talked a lot last night. It seems to be easier to recover my memories this time around. As soon as we started talking about Y/N, he told me what happened and my mind filled in the blanks.” Bucky explained.

“Well I will say to you now, what I said to you on the jet right before we rescued her. I know you were scared, you love her and you thought she would get hurt because of that love. You were absolutely wrong in doing so, and it broke her heart.” Wanda stopped and looked at Y/N “I’m sorry, she wouldn’t want me talking about this. She would be upset with me if she knew I was being so insensitive while your memories are so……fragile.” Wanda told him.

“I promise you, I can handle it.” Bucky said firmly.

“What if you can’t? What if after we talk about it and you decide that you were right and hurt her again?” Wanda snapped “It was bad Bucky. You see this.” She pointed at Y/N’s unconscious body “It is hard to believe but it was so much worse than this. I don’t want her to have to go through that again.”

He sat there and looked at her then looked over at Y/N.

“I uh……I would have this nightmare. I was under Hydra’s control again, I was still ‘Bucky’ in my mind, but I was trapped in there. My body wouldn’t listen to me; I did whatever they told me to do. They wanted to punish me for trying to live a normal life. So they had me kill her. And I did it. No hesitation. I just shot her, like she meant nothing to me.” He discretely wiped a tear from his cheek and continued to look at Y/N. “It was excruciating, watching her die by my hands every night. It destroyed me. I figured we would both be better off if we were apart. And then it happened. I was put in the exact situation that I had always feared. I was holding a gun to her head with no memory of who she was and what she meant to me. But in all my nightmares I never thought about her and how amazing she is. She pulled me out of the fog and showed me that she loved me, even after everything I did to her. She had faith in me that I would remember her. That she could bring back from this.” He reached up and cupped Y/N’s face in his hand. “You know when she said goodbye, the day they took her, I realized that I would give up my life to take away the pain I caused her. I would give up everything for just one more moment with her, to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to wake up holding her in my arms. ” He then looked directly into Wanda’s eyes. “For the rest of my life, I will spend every day making it up to her. Because thinking I could live without her in my life was the biggest mistake I have ever made.”

Wanda looked at him and then looked at Y/N. “Well, that’s a good start.”

She then got up and left Bucky alone with Y/N.


	9. Chapter 9

Y/N was unconscious for the next twelve days, and every day of those twelve days Bucky sat beside her bed waiting for her to wake up. Steve would occasionally convince him to sleep, eat and shower but the rest of his days were spent by her side. The team took turns checking in on her and some would sit for hours in silence with Bucky. Clint was the most frequent visitor aside from Bucky. He was feeling tremendous guilt over what had happened and he wouldn’t feel better until she was awake.

It was late at night and there was hardly anyone around. She opened her uncovered eye slowly and looked around the room. She saw Bucky sleeping with his head resting on her bed. Smiling she reached her hand up to touch him, but realized her arm had a cast on it and she stopped to examine it. She next looked down and saw that her leg also had a cast on it. It was then that she became aware that she could only see out of one eye and brought her hand up to feel what was going on. She felt the bandages and panicking slightly, ripped off them of but was relieved when she couldn’t feel any serious damage and she could see light with that eye meaning she didn’t lose her vision. She let out a sigh of relief and carefully reached down and ran her fingers through Bucky’s hair. He shot up out of the chair and he looked around the room, his eyes scanning for any potential danger. He finally looked at Y/N and saw that she was awake. She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes.

“Hey, Buck. It’s okay, it’s just me.” Her voice was rough and she immediately started coughing. Bucky reached over and grabbed a glass of water and helped her take a sip.

“Thank you. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you.” She said and he looked at her shocked.

“After everything that has happened, the first thing you want to know when you wake up is if I am okay?” Bucky asked and she nodded her head.

“Yes. Are you okay?” She persisted and he shook his head in exasperation.

“Yes Y/N, I am okay. I am just a little jumpy.” He replied and sat back down on the chair.

“How are you doing for real though? The last time I saw you, you were in terrible shape.” She asked and pushed herself up on the bed. This hurt tremendously and she let out a whimper.

“Stop moving you have a lot of broken bones and bruises. You are going to hurt yourself even more.” Bucky said standing up and placing a pillow behind her back. He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. “And again I am okay, thanks to you.” He smiled at her and cupped her face in his hand. 

“What is the damage I have going on here?” She asked motioning with her good hand at her body.

“You have a broken leg, a broken arm, a fractured orbital bone, three cracked ribs and a concussion. You had a severe cut to the right hand, a detached retina in the right eye and bruising throughout your body. They used the cradle to heal most of your injuries and to stimulate bone growth but they are worried about the strength of the bones, hence the casts.” He was very detached while he was explaining it, but Y/N figured it was an old habit from when he used to do mission reports when he was under Hydra’s control so she wasn’t hurt by it. “You have been unconscious and sedated for the last twelve days; however they are expecting you to make a full recovery.”

She took in all the information he had just told her and thought about it. After some time she looked “I will be able to run again?” She asked and he looked at her and smile.

“Yeah babe, you will be able to run again. Eventually.” He reached over and squeezed her hand.

“Okay then, let’s talk.” She said and looked at him seriously.

“Yeah I guess we should. Listen I am so sorry….” He started but she interrupted him.

“Nope, I go first.” She said sternly and he nodded his head. She straightened up, ignoring the pain and looked him in the eyes. “You complete ass. What the hell is wrong with you? I am beyond pissed at you for so many reasons. What was your thought process when you made the completely idiotic decision to break things off with me because you figured we were better off without each other? How could you say those things to me? Do you know what that did to me? I was destroyed, and yet I still had so much fucking love for you.” She was panting and glaring at him

“I know I…”

“No I am not even close to being done. How could you not tell me about the nightmare? I would have helped you. We would have worked through it. How could you not consider that I would be able to rescue us both from a situation like that? Why did you not have the faith in me that I had in you?” She paused and wiped a tear off her cheek. “I am a big girl, and I make my own decisions. You had no right to decide for me. It was a selfish decision and it will take so long for you to repair the damage you have done. And then!! Your dumb ass decided to come into a Hydra base even after I told you not to, just to rescue me. Do you not understand how stupid that was? What if they managed to capture you? How would I have lived with myself after that? I would have rather died then risk you being captured, tortured and turned back into a weapon. I have seen it Bucky, I have seen it in your nightmares and the thought of you going through that again scares the hell out of me. Let alone what it would have done to Steve. You have got to realize that you are no longer alone in this. There are people that love you for fuck sake. If you ever do anything this stupid again I am going to kill you, do you understand? Hell if I wasn’t in this bed I would kick your ass right now.” She laid back and rubbed her side. That had taken a lot out of her. She let out a sigh and then looked at him. “Alright, I’m done.”

He stood up and carefully wrapped his arms around her.

“I am so sorry Y/N. There is nothing I can say that can justify my actions. I know I fucked up, I don’t deserve your love.” He said and she sobbed into his chest. “I promise you I will never do anything this stupid ever again. I can’t live without you, I know that now. You are so much more than I gave you credit for. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me.”

He held her as she cried only breaking from the embrace to wipe his own tears. After some time she pulled back and looked up at him. She then started to squirm in her bed and he got upset with her.

“What are you doing I told you not to move.” He said sternly and placed his hand on her chest lightly so he wouldn’t hurt her. 

“I am trying to move over.” She said and bit her lip in concentration.

“Why are you trying to move over? Are you uncomfortable? Do I need to get someone?” He asked looking at the door.

“No crazy man, I am trying to move over so you can lie down in this bed beside me. It has been too long since we shared a bed.” He smiled softly at her and then gently climbed into the bed beside her. He carefully scooped her up into his arms and she relaxed into his chest.

“Much better” she said and he closed his eyes. He was almost asleep when she spoke again.

“Just so you know though, we still have a long way to go before we are back to where we were.”

“I know.” He said softly and they fell asleep in each others arms.

It took Y/N two weeks to convince them to let her leave the med bay. She promised to not overdo it, and due to the fact that she was becoming increasingly cranky they finally agreed to let her go as long as Bucky promised to take care of her. She had to walk on crutches which was difficult to do with a cast on her arm. She had to physically stop Bucky several times from just carrying her to their destination. They decided to go to the common room to visit with everyone. After she woke up they had kept her visitors to Wanda and Bucky not wanting to overwhelm her so it had been a long time since she had seen them all.

She sat down on the couch and let them come to her. Bucky was always right beside her in case she needed anything. At one point Pietro accidentally bumped into her leg causing her to cry out in pain and he almost jumped over the couch to beat on him. Thankfully Pietro sped out of the room before he could catch him. After talking to everyone Y/N looked around for Clint but couldn’t see him. She called Nat over.

“Where is Clint?” She asked and Nat looked over at the doorway.

“He is having a hard time coming in here. He has been carrying around a lot of guilt about what happened on that mission.” She explained and Y/N looked over at the door.

“Help me up.” She said to Nat and held out her hand. Bucky immediately tried to stop her but she shook her head.

“Bucky, there is something that I need to do. Alone. I promise to scream if I need any help.” She assured him

Slowly she made her way to the hallway. She knew where Clint would be situated and hobbled down the hall to the small room with the big windows. She pushed open the door and he was sitting on the floor looking at the view. She leaned her crutches against the wall and looked down at him.

“Babe, you are going to have to help me sit down.”

He looked up at her and then stood up helping her slide down onto the floor. She sat for a moment and looked at the view with him.

“You want to tell me what’s going on?” She asked and he looked over at her.

“Look at you! I let you go out there and get captured. I should have stopped you. You could have been killed.” He yelled. He had so much anger in him and he started letting it out now that he knew she was going to be okay.

“You are right, I could have been killed. Hell I thought they were going to kill me. To be honest I was ready for it. Clint, I knew what I was doing. I knew the risk I was taking as soon as I walked out of that building. You wouldn’t have been able to stop me. I knew something had to be done so I did it. End of story. You know how stubborn I am, you should have absolutely no guilt over what happened.” She smiled at him, but he continued to glare at her

“It should have been me; I should have risked my life for the team. I was designated team leader.” He snapped.

“Oh no. It was always going to be me.” She turned and looked out the window. “Do you know why Clint? Because there are people that rely on you. I knew that I stood a chance of making it, but you? They would have had you before you made the halfway point. Not because I am better then you, but because there were so many guns and I had the means of stopping their bullets. I want you to stop and think about this for a second. What would have happened if I had to call your wife and tell her that she was a widow now, and that her children were fatherless? It would have been fucking devastating; your family would be destroyed. But me, who would you have had to call if I would have died? Fury, but that is it. I am not saying that your family is a weakness and that I always look at you and see the responsibility of keeping you alive for their sake. I am saying in that moment, I saw you as more than a team leader.”

“You can’t do that. You can’t look at me and see a father, and a husband. When we are in the field you have to look at me and see a fellow agent and nothing more. You need to learn to separate the two for Christ sake Y/N.”

“Normally I do, but when it comes to throwing your life away, I will always stop you. You can never stop me from doing that.”

He sat there staring out the window and she leaned over and nudged his shoulder with her own. “Come on don’t be mad at me, I miss my friend.”

“I’m not mad at you.” He said and nudged her back. “You scared the hell out of me. Promise me you will never do anything that stupid ever again.”

“Would it make you feel better if I lied and agreed?” She said and winked at him. He shook his head.

“You stress me out, you know that right?” He leaned over and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah but you love me anyways.” She replied and they stared out the window together.

“You are wrong you know. If anything ever happened to you I would have to tell Bucky, and that would be scary as hell. Did you see the hole in the wall, in the coms room?” He asked and she shook her head while motioning to her body.

Right sorry, stupid question. Anyways he almost kicked a chair clean through the wall right after your call, when they captured you. Can you imagine what he would do to the person that told him you were dead?”

“Is it fucked up that I find that strangely romantic?” She smiled and he laughed

“Yeah, it is. You two are meant for each other.” He got up and held his hand out to help her up.


	10. Chapter 10

After her conversation with Clint, Y/N was worn out. It had been a long day already and she needed to rest. Bucky took her back to their house and she was too tired to argue with him when he insisted on carrying her up the stairs to her room. He laid her down on her bed and she got herself comfy while he lay down in the bed next to her.

“So how are you feeling? Do you need anything?” He asked running his fingers through her hair.

“No babe, I’m okay.” She rested her casted arm on his side and closed her eyes. “How are your memories coming along? Do you have most of them back?”

“All the recent memories are coming back easy enough, because I have you and Steve reminding me. But I have spaces of time, when I was alone, that I still can’t remember.” He said softly.

“Do you want to remember that time? I have seen your nightmares Buck, some of it is pretty horrible.” She asked

“I mean I don’t want to, I can only imagine what is in there.” He said pointing to his head. “But I think I have to. I need to know what I did, what I was forced to do. I need to know because I can’t keep imagining and guessing at what I have done.”

“So if I had a way of helping you remember, you would want me to let you know.” She asked looking at him questioningly. He took a moment to think about it before answering.

“Yes, I think I would.” He finally answered and she nodded her head.

“Alright, help me up.” She sat up and he walked around to her side of the bed and picked her up.

“Where to?” He asked and she pointed to his room. He carried her into his room and placed her on his bed. She reached behind his nightstand, he heard tape ripping and she pulled out a key. She then laid down on his bed.

“Alright, look under the bed; do you see a large black duffle bag? It should be directly below me.” She closed her eyes nervous about what she was about to show him. He kneeled on the ground and peaked under the bed.

“I see it.”

“Move it out of the way.” She instructed and he moved the bag.

“Okay, there should be a small metal box in the far corner. Pull that out.”

He did as she asked and placed the metal box on the floor beside him. She rolled over on her side and handed him the key.

“In there are your journals. Every memory that you have recovered you wrote down in those books. You started them some time ago, so there will be quite a few. You told me you did this because you were scared you would forget again.” She looked at him sadly. He reached up and squeezed her hand and then turned and looked at the box. He raised the key but then stopped.

“I will be right here babe, I am not going anywhere.” Y/N encouraged him and he nodded his head and unlocked the box. There were quite a few journals and he ran his hand over the spines. He picked one up and took a deep breath letting the book fall open naturally to a predominantly revisited memory. It was an easy one to start with; it had to do with Steve and their youth. He flipped through the pages as Y/N played with his hair, reminding him of her presence. She wasn’t insisting that he share the memories, only staying there with him keeping him grounded. Sometimes he would make a grunt or a sigh and she would just rub his shoulders or say something to soothing to make him feel better. Eventually she ended up falling asleep even though she fought it hard, however anytime Bucky would move she would wake up to make sure he was okay. Shaking his head at her stubbornness he ended up grabbing a few journals and laying down in the bed next to her, she rolled over and curled into his chest and he continued to read for the remainder of the night. There were times where he was so overwhelmed by what he was reading, he had to put down the journal and would just pull Y/N closer to him and hold on to her tightly. This made him feel better and reminded him that it is over and he is safe now. By morning he had made his way through the majority of the journals and sat there staring at Y/N lying in his bed. How did he make it through all of that only to end up here, lying next to her? How is it possible, after everything he had done to her and everything that she knows about him, that she still loved him? He reached over and ran his finger down her cheek. He leaned in and kissed her lightly on her lips. She hummed quietly into his kiss and brought her hand up to his face. 

“Good morning” She said softly pulling away and looking at him. She became suddenly concerned with the look on his face. “Are you ok? Were the journals too much? I should have stayed awake, I am so sorry.”

“Babe….” Bucky started but Y/N interrupted him

“What is it? Are you okay? Talk to me.” She started to sit up but he stopped her.

“Just stop talking for one moment.” He said to her with a faint smile on his lips and she nodded her head. He kissed her forehead and looked her in the eyes. “I am just so grateful to have you in my life. I feel safe with you. You are amazing, I hope you know that” He finally said and she looked up at him and smiled.

“Oh Buck.” She leaned in and began kissing him. The kiss became more passionate and she moved to press her body against his but then whimpered. He held her back and looked at her sadly.

“Darling, I think we are going to have to wait until you heal a little before we do anything…physical.” He kissed her forehead again and she sighed

“You don’t understand I want you so badly. It is painful.” She pouted and he chuckled.

“Oh I understand. Trust me.” He said rolling on his back and rubbing his face. “Just think of it as a goal. Work hard to heal yourself and exercise and when you are better we can do whatever you want.”

“You promise?” She asked and he nodded his head.

So she did, she went to the training room every day and worked her muscles. After 3 weeks with the casts she had enough and made Helen take them off. After they were off she would go to the track every day. At first she walked it, then she was able to lightly jog, and finally after several weeks she was able to finally start running again. Her bruises were healed and she felt strong again. Bucky though was still afraid of hurting her and treated her like she was made of glass.

Tony had decided that they were going to have a party to celebrate how much progress Y/N had achieved and how far she came. This did not please Y/N at all as she hated being the center of attention. She was putting on the final touches to her makeup, when Bucky walked into her room and stopped dead in his tracks. She had her hair swept up in loose curls and she was wearing a thigh length black haltered dress that had lace down the back which she accompanied with black heels. He sucked in a sharp breath and she looked up at him.

“What? Is something wrong?” She frantically started looking at herself in the mirror.

“No, you just… you look amazing babe.” Bucky smiled at her and then went over and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“You don’t look half bad yourself mister.” She turned and pulled herself up so she could kiss him. He was wearing a black suit, with a black shirt and a black tie. His hair was pulled back in a tight bun. “Now do I look amazing enough that you will let us skip the party and ravage me all night?” She asked and he grinned

“Tony would kill us if we missed this party, but I think we have waited long enough, I mean your healed right? So, as promised, tonight we can do whatever you want.” He said lustfully.

“You better be telling the truth mister because I am beyond frustrated.” She said and scrunched up her nose at him.

“You and me both darling. Shall we go?” he asked and she took one last look in the mirror and then let him lead her out of the room.

It was a typical Stark party, everyone was there and they were continuously coming up to Y/N asking her about what happened and how she was feeling. She hated it. She wanted nothing more than to forget for one night what happened and enjoy herself. Bucky had gone to get them drinks and she was currently being bombarded by a few agents who were asking her all sorts of inappropriate questions when Nate walked up. She hadn’t seen him since before she left on her mission and she missed him dearly.

“Y/N, Fury asked me to come and find you. He wants to see you.” He said to her then winked and pulled her away from the group.

“Thank you so fucking much.” She said and she gave him a huge hug. “I haven’t seen you in too long!! Where the hell have you been?” She asked and then punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“I was on mission. I just got back a few days ago and Maria told me what happened. How are you doing? And be honest, this is me you are talking to here.” He said and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

“Physically, I am good. Mentally, it is going to take a while. Bucky has been helping a lot, but he has a lot on his plate as well. I just wish everyone would stop asking me about it.” She looked around the room for Bucky and saw him talking to Steve.

“Well if you are up to it, why don’t we go dance, that way no one can ask you about what happened.” He suggested and she smiled.

“You know what that is a great idea!” She grabbed his hand and led him to the dance floor. Wanda and Vision were in the middle of the floor so she made her way to them. It was an upbeat song and she started swaying her hips to the music. It felt good to let loose and she silently thanked Nate for the idea. Soon Nat came over and they were all laughing and dancing the night away. After about four songs Bucky came up to her and whispered in her ear that he needed to talk to her alone. She suddenly became very serious; worried that something was wrong and followed him to the elevators. He said nothing to her until the elevator doors closed and he looked over at her, his face hard as he stared at her.

“I can’t wait until tonight.” He said gruffly and walked over to her. He pinned her arms above her head, and his lips crashed down on hers. The kiss was intense to say the least. His tongue pressed against her lips and she opened then to allow him to explore her mouth. He kept her arms pinned above her with his metal hand as his other hand made his way down to her breasts, kneading them through her dress. All of the pent up sexual frustration that they both had been experiencing was coming to a head and she bit down on his lip causing him to moan. He then started kissing her neck, nibbling and sucking. The elevator doors opened and Y/N took his hand leading him to the room that she had stayed in while she was there. She opened the door and they were barely in the room when he was on her again. He came up behind her, reached up undoing her dress, letting it fall to the ground around her feet leaving her standing in only her black lace panties. She leaned down to take off her heels but he stopped her.

“No, leave the heels on.” He said and she smiled.

“Alright then, however we definitely need to remove some of your clothes.” She reached up and undid his belt and he removed his tie. He then removed his shirt while she undid his pants and they fell to the floor. He stepped out of them and reached out grabbing the back of her head pulling her into another kiss. They stumbled backwards towards the bed and when they finally made contact he slowly lowered her down so that he was positioned on top of her. His hands roamed her body and he tasted like peppermint. She hooked her fingers into the band of his underwear and pulled it down as he reached down and rubbed her nub through her panties. She moaned and he started slowly kissing his way down her body. He positioned himself between her legs, she could feel his breath on her thighs and she squirmed under him. He reached up and undid the bows holding her panties in place removing them completely. He then placed light kisses on her upper thighs finally making it to her slit. He ran his tongue along it and then delved in finding her clit. She cried out in pleasure as his tongue circled her clit and his fingers moved to enter her. She could feel her orgasm building within her and when his finger found her g-spot she couldn’t hold back any longer. Her hips raised off the bed, her thighs squeezed tight and her back arched as wave after wave of her orgasm went through her. He looked up at her with a smile and she grabbed him pulling him into a deep kiss, tasting her own juices on his lips. She reached down and wrapped his hand around his already hard cock and he moaned with pleasure. She ran the tip of his cock up and down her slit and then placed him at her opening. He looked at her and rested his forehead against hers while he pushed himself into her. They both groaned with pleasure and then he pulled back so that his cock was almost all the way out, and then he slammed it into her again.

“Holy fuck babe, you are so fucking tight.” He said breathlessly and then began rocking his hips slamming into her g-spot over and over again as she felt a second orgasm building within her. 

He reached down and began rubbing her clit with the thumb of his metal hand and the contrast of the cold metal on her soft skin pushed her over the edge as another orgasm rolled through her body.

“Oh my god babe, I’m going to cum.” Bucky whimpered and then his movements became sporadic as he spilt his seed within her.

He stayed on top of her with his forehead pressed against her panting, while she ran he nails up and down his back. He finally collapsed on the bed beside her and she curled up into his chest.

After laying there for what seemed like eternity in their bliss, Bucky spoke.

“Y/N, I want you to know… I am no longer afraid to live the life I was meant to live. Even though my past is filled with horrible things that I have done, I can no longer continue to punish myself for it. I have suffered enough already and it is time that I allow myself to be happy. And you make me so happy. Y/N Y/L/N, I love you.”

‘Oh Bucky, I love you too.”


End file.
